Want to, Need to | Issue 3

To Savor

• The Wisdom of Winnie-the-Pooh
• The difference between Grace and Karma

To Read

• A Passion for Place
• The Captivity of Motherhood
• What We Think About When We Run
• If children lose touch with nature they won't fight for it
• Thoughts on Diversity, Part II : Why Diversity is Difficult
• Money and Wealth
• The Journey from Suffering to Wholeness
• Out of Sight
• Overcome Your Upper Limit
• How are housing choices make adult friendship more difficult
• The Science Behind How Bacon Causes Cancer

To Listen

• Fresh Air
• Seth Godin's Start-up School

To Explore

• Moz.com
• Liberty Puzzles

To Believe

• Your Dreams Are More Real Than Your Fears

To Do

• Keep working out

planning our wedding: the overview list

i hope you've enjoyed this wedding series as much as i've enjoyed finally getting it all out my head. because lists are nice...here are all of the "planning our wedding" posts:

• intro
• the ceremony: 6 questions to ask yourself before you begin planning + our ceremony flow
• forget the reception: a celebration where napping was encouraged
• our itemized budget: how we got to $17,676
• our vows
• regrets
• everything is expensive, but these 5 things are free!
• 4 things we delegated that thoroughly surprised us
• why we said no to a bridal party
• saying no to pinterest

and to end this series, here's the video slideshow that our photography oh happy dawn made for us.

love,

liz

desperate times calls for prolific measures

when we drove out here, i made sure to bring a jar of kimchee on our 1,006 mile road trip. i knew i'd need to eat some shortly after arrival. but what i treasured so dearly, i killed within two weeks of arrival. i needed my kimchee...bad. real bad. 

well, there's nothing like the lack of options (and a desperate palate that needs mouth-watering korean pickled goodness) to inspire me to make my own kimchee! and not just kimchee...

this past weekend, i made the following because i needed some asian lovin':

• tom kha (thai coconut soup)
• variation: used tofu instead of meat
• note: surprisingly easy to make
• do chau
• variation: i salted the julienned daikon and carrots, then rinsed them with cold water and drained before putting it into a jar.
• pad see ew
• variation: instead of fresh rice noodles (this might be an impossible ingredient to find here in montana), i used large dried rice noodles.
• variation: i made my own marinade for the beef, only because i didn't notice that the recipe offered a suggestion. oops.
• jjang ah chee (korean pickled veggies)
• mom's recipe
• ggak doo ghee (korean radish kimchee)
• mom's recipe
• greek yogurt (this is obviously not asian, but...same same)
• i used the link above and this one to make the yogurt.
• note: i had trouble straining it, so the creaminess came out between regular yogurt and greek. definitely going to try this again with better tools. 
• the whey produced from straining was shortly after to make bread pudding with leftover stale bread. YUM!

zero waste home adventures: waste disposal in rural montana

a few years ago, when i first heard of bea johnson's zero waste home in a sunset article, i was thoroughly impressed and inspired. i started making some changes in my life to reduce waste. i started composting everything i could, thanks to fosth's composting system in the backyard and the county of san mateo's industrial composting program. then, recycled everything else, and finally, threw away what i couldn't compost or recycle. it was pretty amazing. i would throw out my 8 gallon bag of trash every 4-6 weeks, instead of every week or so. in addition to getting my waste down, i made some other decisions to minimize waste: no more paper towels, paper napkins, plastic wrap, ziplock bags, etc. i wasn't extremely strict about this new lifestyle but i did try to live out this intention.

but after a while, i noticed how quickly i turned back to the way of convenience. it was easier for me live in tune with the north american majority culture way of consumption and waste. i didn't like inconveniencing others and the upfront cost of trying to make a full conversion to zero waste.

anyway, fast forward to now: i got married, reduced our lives down to a carload, and moved out to very rural montana with my husband. the operative words being: very rural. 

to prove it, we have become trash collectors. we have to take our trash to a disposal site about 10 miles away, where there is no fancy industrial composting program. in fact, they only take cans, paper/cardboard, recyclable plastics 1 and 2 (of 7) and NO glass! and burying our compost in the (frozen, snow covered) ground isn't really an option, since it'll also entice unwanted critters.

so how do we implement bea's 5 R's (Refuse, Reduce, Reuse, Recycle, Rot) in a place lacking the mindset and resources of the bay area? i'm not sure. but this is what we've resolved for now:

• be okay with using up what we have. the house had a lot of supplies in here already, and we brought a number of things i didn't want to just throw out for the sake of starting fresh. it seemed like a ... well, waste. i wanted to finish using our stuff before moving onto making the transition to "all things bulk" and making our own cleaning solutions. again, not ideal, but i'm coming to terms with it. 
• buy only what we absolutely need. and when we buy it, try returning the packaging before leaving the store. and if we need to order something from amazon, we try to have it all shipped in one box. 
• refuse plastic bags and receipts. we bring our own bags for everything or just carry it in our hands. montana isn't like california where BYOBag is ubiquitous. 
• reuse glass jars. we've collected some jars, brought some with us, and have bought some glass snapware we take to any store we can. our meat guy is currently closed to not using a piece of plastic to weigh and wrap the meat. (i'm gonna try to work some charm on this situation...)
• recycle the rest in gallatin county. since ennis doesn't take recyclables 3-7, we're collecting the rest of our recyclables to do a run in bozeman in a few months. in fact, the state of montana doesn't recycle glass, so we need to take it to a private recycling company.
• buy in bulk. so the ennis grocery store is kinda pricey, not super fresh, and sells almost everything in a package. if we are in a bind, we'll go there. but if we can help it, we will make a trip out to bozeman (60 miles away) and go to town & country foods and the community food co-op to pick up what we'll need for the week. tip 1: community food co-op on 908 w main gives $0.10 off for every jar and bag you use! tip 2: use a sharpie to write on your glass jar if you don't have a crayon like me. it comes off and it saves you from using a sticker or twisty tie.
• reuse the plastic bag that the local tortillas come in. btw: i need a solution for tortilla packaging! 
• return the egg carton to deemo's where we buy meat occasionally and local eggs often.
• be aware. because i'm sorting recycling, collecting compost, and throwing away what we must, i can see how much waste piles up. it helps to just notice...
• rot's not hot. actually, to prevent rotting (and therefore, wildlife scavenging our trash), we freeze all of our compostables until the freezer drawer is full. then we treat it like regular trash. this is not ideal, but it's saved us from having to make a dumpster run for almost two weeks.

even though i'm not confident we can become a zero waste household at this time (season and location), i'm proud of what we've been able to figure out thus far with our limited resources. i just need to remember to not feel defeated when i notice the trash bin getting more and more full and that becoming a zero waste household is slow process of transforming a deeply engrained lifestyle. for now, i'm just trying to remember to take my bags and clunky jars to the store. 

i'm going to get my arm bit off!

this wednesday, i'm taking off for a 10 day visit to beloved montana. it's a two part journey:
part 1 includes a 5-day solo backpacking trip in "the bob" (aka: the bob marshall wilderness). 
part 2 will be spent with a beautiful artist (sheri jarvis) and then some roaming around here and there on my own.

i love montana. like, truly truly love it with all my heart. 
this connection to a place can't be explained, it can only be explored over and over again.

the first visit was to helena with new friends, as they recorded an album. (feb 2010)
the second visit was spent with beloved friend, susan. thinking back on that time, it was sooo peaceful and fun! i remember experiencing a heightened sense of beauty and calm. it was overwhelming, in the best way. this was when i also met sheri for the first time. we road horses in the hills, and i borrowed her cowboy boots for the occasion. ;) (july 2011)
the third visit was a road trip from california to montana, so my friends and i could backpack at glacier national park. (it's hard to believe this trip was already almost a year ago! and, i still haven't blogged about it! eep.) (aug 2012)

for this fourth visit, i knew that it would be a solo backpacking trip in the bob, when i talked to sheri last winter. she mentioned it to me, and i instantly had a feeling i should go, and go solo. (july 2013)

i've only gone on overnight solo backpacking trips, never a 5-day trek. i'm scared. and excited. and scared. and scared. and excited. last night, i was having some really intense fears about getting my arm eaten off or having a bear get to my food while i was asleep, or getting lost for days or. . . my mind likes to take me on some wild what if rides. do you know what i mean??

but what i realized about the intensity of fears, was that deep inside, i know i'm supposed to do this. i know it's an important journey that i need to take - alone. it's the space i'm creating to say farewell to a really significant chapter, in order to create space for what's to come. it makes sense that my mind is trying to trick me into thinking i should back out, that i'm "crazy," that perhaps i don't really need to do this. (i mean, i do want to come back with all my appendages after all!)

this intensity of fear is a flag that i need to move forward, lean in, and embrace the challenge ahead. it's not a flag to back off or shy away from the unknown. so...i'm going.

arrival time in bozeman, montana: 11:21am, july 24, 2013.
and the adventure begins.

to be continued upon return...

tedactive 2013 | top talks

i had the immense pleasure of attending tedactive again this year. this was my third active, which makes me a "veteran." (i'm not sure i've ever been deemed a veteran in anything. i think i'm too young for that.) i even got to go to a veterans toast. lol. it's funny to think about this because it was only two years ago when i had my first tedactive experience. i left with my eyes wide open, mind blown open, and heart filled to the brim, and now, i welcome first-timers to experience their first in the same way.

in fact, it's hard to believe that it was only a few days ago that i was hugging people farewell. it feels like half a lifetime has passed by already. honestly, it's been harder to adjust back to work/home life this time around. i miss the tedactive community. i miss who i am in that space. i miss the connections that get forged instantly through a smile and a simple ask  ("what do you love?"). i miss these things. badly.

so to memorialize my favorite talks of this year, i'm posting them here with a quick comment on why i loved them so much. thankfully, some of these are already available online. please don't miss any of them! 

1. Ron Finley (renegade gardener): “plant some shit” - he was so unTED-like, which charmed me all the more. He wasn’t about all of the hype, starting a non-profit, or any of that…he just does what he knows is right. Easy. I felt like he was the most real speaker this year. 
2. Phil Hansen (multimedia artist): blew me away with the destruction of his artwork, displayed as artwork. I just loved how he incorporated time as a element of his art. 
3. Allan Savory (grassland ecosystem pioneer): his vulnerability struck a deep chord in me. He was the cause of 40,000 elephants getting destroyed, and now he lives towards creating something generations after us will enjoy. He seemed to have one of the most feasible, realistic  action steps that we can take to preserve the grasslands. And yet, I feel like he will get a lot of resistance b/c his idea is prophetic and disruptive to our status quo.
4. Amanda Palmer (musician): she’s lives in a fearless way. I love how her pursuit of “letting people pay for music” challenges my worldview. 
5. Hyeonseo Lee (North Korean activist): I saw my mother in one of the pictures she displayed of the North Koreans in the Chinese prison. (The woman wasn't really my mother, but someone who could've be.) I just felt a deep sadness and connection to her story and to the many stories intimately tied to my ancestry. 
6. Dan Pallotta (charity defender): I so resonated with his message and how I’ve experienced it to be true at HopeLab. We, the people, desperately need a new view of the non-profit sector. 
7. Shane Koyczan (poet): OMG. I cried after Shane and Hyeonseo’s talks.

Extra Credit: Julia Sweeney (comedian): she so artfully made fun of all the seriousness of TED and helped me erupt into laughter (after a bit of shock).

tips on lightening the load | intro

i have to confess something: i'm often miserable while backpacking in the glorious backcountry. seriously. miserable.

i don't think i've ever gone backpacking without asking myself, "why the hell are you doing this liz!?" why would i want to carry between 40-50lbs on my back, hike up and down mountains, and dig my own poop holes? don't get me wrong, the views are epic and i never regret having spent time in the wilderness. i'd just rather do it "skipping up those mountains," - as fellow hiker, phil said to me once - not sluggishly dragging my feet. 

my experience thus far tells me i self-impose unnecessary suffering, caused primarily by two things: the weight of my pack and the expectation for a certain kind of unobtainable comfort while on the Trail.

the former is something i'm working on (which i'll get to in the next post), the latter is more of a mental/heart practice that only wise people can obtain with a lot of practice. ;)  i'm not there yet, so i'm reading a book to help me learn how to re-orient my heart posture by reading jennifer pharr davis' "becoming odyssa."  (it's such an interesting read, btw.)

back to the weight of my pack. this year, i've made a goal to actively pursue getting my base pack weight down as low as possible without breaking the (piggy) bank. ideally, i'd like for my base weight to be at 17lbs or less, then add consumables and my camera and it should be at about 30lbs (which still feels a bit high). the typical "rule of thumb" is to carry about 25% of your body weight. i vacillate between 125-130lbs, so this means i should be carrying about 31lbs. to give you a bit of context, i have been typically carrying around 40% of my body weight = 50lbs. (it's painful just spelling that out.) 

so i'm going to start a series on tips i learned on how i'm reducing my pack weight (and other little things i learn along the way). hope it's helpful to you!

a love letter to my 20s.

i remember when i first met you. i got butterflies in my belly as i flirted with you for the few weeks prior to you finally welcoming me into your arms. i was still just a college student living in the dorms, and even though i had met some pretty wild characters at ucsc, i had never met anyone like you before. you were so....charming, to say the least. simply put, i was smitten by my idea of you - the promise of adventure, living on the edge, romantic(ized) everything, and the possibilities! and even though i felt some hesitation in my overall sense of you, i trusted my gut and went along for the ride. (i guess i didn't really have a choice.)  

and what. a. ride.

you took me through:

graduating college,

getting my first job working for m.i. figuring out how to negotiate inside a giant bureaucracy,

working full time + interning with intervarsity, and running on 5 hours of sleep/day for an entire year

caving and getting my first cell phone (the number, which i still have and the phone model too - razor!)

receiving a phone call from my sister that completely changed the trajectory of how i wanted to live my life.

pursuing a year of intense therapy - aka: the year i cried more than any other time in my life

not speaking to my parents for almost a year

learning to create boundaries with my family

waking up.

falling in love with my family.

befriending/being befriended by steph chui

meeting amy rainbow and receiving her immense love for me

working at one of the most dysfunctional organizations

quitting and finding one of the healthiest organizations

marrying off my closest girlfriends

making lifelong friends, breaking up with friends.
finding a church community

meeting the fosths

embracing my inner bon qui qui

and finding out she's actually quite sweet and sensitive.

learning to listen to, and follow my heart.

lindy hopping
moving into a barn.

meeting my first camera

experiencing zero creative gap from vision to execution via photography. (the first was when i drew that penguin in mrs. shoop's 2nd grade class.)

journeying to arizona to meet jesh, amy, and other new friends from experiencing love workshop

becoming sage's aunt and experiencing first love!

witnessing the birth of jesse (by way of mary)

transforming hate of running into inexplicable love of it

running my first marathon, and later, my first ultramarathon

first fractured bone

sharing my heart and life's work in front of 500 people.

painfully hiking up the tallest point in the contiguous united states,

receiving help to do so.

buying my first bike, going on first bike tours

falling in love with montana and oregon

learning to backpack, with firsts in multi-day and solo trips

opening my heart to the possibility of love,

and having it hurt, badly.

but somehow continuing to say, yesyesyes!

essentially, 

you jarringly woke me up from my life's slumber and then proceeded to shower me loads of delightful affection. it came in the form of balloons, giant trees, open skies, lots of mileage, adventure, pain, joy, and people people people people people! the hesitation i originally felt had mostly to do with not knowing where you were going to take me, but i can see now (10 years later) that i shouldn't have doubted you. ever. because all you had for me were (very) good things...even if they at first appeared in horrifying ways. (i guess this really only happened once or twice - when you totally scared the shit out of me!)

your gifts to me are innumerable. and as spastic as some of them were....most of them were incredibly thoughtful.

you taught me the way of hospitality, grace, joy, love, gratitude, serendipity, of going with the flow and being.
you taught me that i'm not lacking anything and that i'm beloved, just as i am.
you taught me that i really don't know what the hell i'm doing!
you taught me to just relax and stop pretending like i know. (no one knows really knows what they're doing.)
you taught me that life is all about the little things and the here and now.
you taught me that above all, it's about loving God and loving people.

i hope to reach more deeply into those things in this new decade. 

i'll remember you with deep fondness, for there will never again be such a time as this.
thank you.

(taken on nov 21, 2012 - the final day of my 20s!)

see ya when i see ya!

lizzy

the farm | winter bed

so a few months ago, i had a certain craving for cauliflower.

instead of going to the grocery store to buy it, i went to a nursery and picked up a few seedlings. they went straight into my winter bed along with two varieties of kale. i'm very proud to say that i've successfully grown cauliflower for the first time! and by "i," i mean...the soil, sun, water, and automatic drip system.


my craving's not quite the same after all this time, but i couldn't help but notice my tummy rumble a bit after i saw this recipe. imagine the mash being purple! yum...

bits of inspiration.

some creatives i've been adoring lately:
john hendrix. illustration / i particularly love his drawing in church pieces.
lisa congdon. type+illustration / enjoying her 365 days of lettering project. 
andrew ryan shepherd. multimedia storyteller / his deeply enriched sensibility and vision.
theo gosselin. photographer / his wicked life. fascinating just to get a peek. 
eric ryan anderson. still+moving pictures / sheesh. 
the great discontent. interviews / so many amazing creatives tell their journey.
roost. photographer & chef / it all started in service and love to her husband. amazing food photographer, living a beautifully simple lifestyle
kinfolk mag. art+photos+connection / a publication all about connection & beauty. i am having a mad love affair with them. 

on being 28.

i meant to post this a while back, but tomorrow became 4 days, 9 days and now, 2 weeks later... but here it is: a recount of experiences at age 28.
this past year was more than i could've imagined, most of it, normals of daily life-living sprinkled with bursts of inspiration and the deepest heart stirrings this girl could've asked for.

in some sort of liz-brain logical order…these are the things i want to remember about year 28.

• started noticing a lot more white hairs. stopped pulling them out (except on days i feel ocd), and haven't managed to fully accept them yet. :\
• i joined a dance troupe. learning choreography kicks my ass --hard, but it feels great to be challenged in a new way
• backpacked in the sierras for 7 gloriously hard days; i learned to receive help.
• became a vegetarian
• nine months later, began an intense love affair with all sorts of meat. (funny how things work out.)
• had the most intense creative flow that kept me up for 36 hours
• shared my soul at TEDActive
• met a magnetically charming man
• had a profoundly sad ending with that magnetically charming man
• met a couple, on a boat, on the way to a desert island in puerto rico; spent a few unforgettable days with them eating the whitey-white bread, canned squeeze cheese, and faux spray butter sandwiches and skinny dipping under the moon
• my dad was diagnosed with 4 life threatening aneurysms. he decided not to get surgery. he's still alive.
• 2nd year of a new tradition of barrel tasting in sonoma
• 2nd year of a new tradition of volunteering at western states
• a dream comes true: private show with gregory alan isakov
• yosemite. that last look.
• had my first official break up with a friend
• a joy parade in east palo alto, inspired by bob goff
• raced in the inaugural born to run ultra; ran 10 miles
• beloved point reyes with old friends - steph, seiwei, jeff, nathan
• 7 days in my beloved state, montana
• 3 of 4 weekends, spent bike camping
• crossfit skeptic turned evangelist
• battled injury after injury; running came to a significant halt
• grew a wart; burned off the wart
• annette births abby joy.
• spontaneous road trip to arcata, ca in a sub24o trip
• joined a small group at my church, to experience deeper community
• had my first (and probably last) experience of harbin hot springs. 
• finally went to ashland, oregon: one of my heart's callings
• finally went to chicago, illinois: another one of my heart's callings
• finally went to santa barbara: one of my local destinations this year, to visit yon
• made a lot of new friends: emily, jenny, mary, lisa, billy, matt, samuel, kristen, jen, cole, janet, isaac...
• started the gratitude jar and it's shown me that i am most frequently grateful for people
• gave a commencement speech at art institute sf
• started dreaming up how/when i can do BOSS 28-day survival school
• started dreaming about how/when/where i might be able to bike tour for an extended time
• allowed my heart to get stirred by someone i only experienced through the typed letters on my screen. which made meeting in person, extraordinary.
• i cried in front of my boss
• applied for the amazing race with that same boss; got rejected; and did it again, but better.

lists.

lovely, aren't they?
i was talking to someone yesterday and they asked me if i make lists. i said yes. and while sitting there, i realized that my most recent journal is probably about 82% lists (and i'm only about 20 pages in)! the topic of my lists include: dreams, personal goals by end of 2011, portfolio content, photo ideas, blog posts, intentions for my recent chicago trip, experiences for year 29, and 75 answers to 108 questions of a self-inventory thing i'm doing.

anyway, the reason i bring this up is because there's a blog i really appreciate written by a friend, tony. he's a truth-seeking dad, husband, urban farmer, academic, hunter, geek!, cook, etc. he's also quite quirky as well as a manly man. he started blogging not too long ago and i resonate (or want to resonate) with the topics he writes about. he recently wrote a piece on starting a "stop-doing" list. 


for those of us who might struggle with wanting to do too much, i found it to be a helpful reminder to focus in on what's important - to cut out the frivolous stuff of life - in order to focus in on the real juicy stuff of life. 

lovers.

i stared at unabashed lovers on a mid-morning hike.

two different trees forming so natural a connection. 

taking slow dance to a different realm of comprehension;

they count in decades, not in steps.

swirling at each other's branches

leaning in and out

bending by the month.

i wonder if they resonate with this poem by ee cummings.

inspiration | tunes

these days...
poison & wine, the civil wars
bon iver, bon iver (reminds me of this out-of-this-world morning at the cemetary)
cosmic love, florence + the machine

lil bits of inspiration

pop-up books.

a magical hill.

"she got jumper cable lips / she got sunset on her breath now / 

i inhaled just a little bit / now i got no fear of death now"

a small town. 

daughter.

your ears are a direct route to your heart. 
might you consider pouring some of this daughter goodness in? 


sheeshee is my go to for interesting music rec's. thx. 

a poem about poetry.

i read this poem by wendell berry on my friend's blog and resonated with the stillness of it. 

i   

Make a place to sit down.   

Sit down. Be quiet.   

You must depend upon   

affection, reading, knowledge,   

skill—more of each   

than you have—inspiration,   

work, growing older, patience,   

for patience joins time   

to eternity. Any readers   

who like your poems,   

doubt their judgment.   

ii   

Breathe with unconditional breath   

the unconditioned air.   

Shun electric wire.   

Communicate slowly. Live   

a three-dimensioned life;   

stay away from screens.   

Stay away from anything   

that obscures the place it is in.   

There are no unsacred places;   

there are only sacred places   

and desecrated places.   

iii   

Accept what comes from silence.   

Make the best you can of it.   

Of the little words that come   

out of the silence, like prayers   

prayed back to the one who prays,   

make a poem that does not disturb   

the silence from which it came.