month 9: over and over again.

my love,

we were on our bike tour during month eight, and although i had the best of intentions to write you a letter on my little iphone late at night while you were sleeping, sleep overcame my intentions and instead, i passed out after our ride from santa cruz to vets memorial park (day 32, i think). i like to believe my month 8 love letter was more live love letter from pedal to pedal. you get me? 

but what i would've told you was how much i admire how your love is new every morning. it's as if going to sleep fills your cup and (lucky me) it overflows into my life. i've been really touched by experiencing this part of you over and over. 

it's hard to believe nine months have already passed since we wed. let me recap (for my sake) what's transpired since we said i do. we pared down all of our combined belongings into one car, left the bay area and moved to montana in the dead of winter, we did the artist's way, learned to ski (me, just barely), made some new friends, entertained old friends in our new place, you learned how to bake and cook!, we went zero waste, learned to communicate with each other (and still learning), biked from canada to mexico, hiked up our drama queen sphinx, and a lot of wonderful little things along the way. oh, and i ate from the biggest pizza i've ever seen and you weren't there to participate! how ironic. 

we've seen each other at our best and at our worst these last two months and i feel like i've learned more about you than i ever have to date: when you need to recharge alone, what ticks you off, what energizes you, your totally weird quirks like saying "missoula" a thousand times in that accent of yours, the way you put me first, your flexibility and adaptability... 

i've seen you go from hesitating to put your needs out there, to being clear and open as you make your needs known. i've seen you go from being (or, complaining) in pain from cycling day in and day out to riding really strong for 92 miles! i've literally witnessed your confidence grow where once you slowly held your brakes all the way down a steep windy hill to taking them head on. and i've seen you transition from "i want to explore writing" to calling yourself a writer.

(remember this? you were blazing down this hill!)

you, samuel, have impressed me with your determination, your willpower and your loving softness of heart. i cannot be more grateful than i am now, to have a life partner in you.

what's next?!

!!!,
your buttercup

one of the biggest commitments a girl can make (next to marriage).

before i started the pacific coast bike tour, i considered committing to never complaining about my body again after we completed the journey. (the operative word here is considered.) well that idea flew out of my head, instead being occupied with finding lunch, eating snacks, avoiding glass, camping, and oh yeah...cycling. it was like my conscious mind avoided this idea because i wasn't sure i had the determination to make such a huge commitment. thankfully it wasn't lost, just undercover germinating.

about halfway through the tour, i hesitantly tried the commitment on for size. i said to myself, "i commit to never complaining about my body again." i remember i was cycling and had to say this over and over until i could feel some semblance of naturalness, yet i still felt discomfort in my body. i was grateful for the space to explore what it would feel like to make this commitment, and grateful to drop it. it was clear i wasn't fully ready.

it wasn't until the last few miles before hitting mexico, as i filled up with a soup of emotions, that it became crystal clear i deeply desired to make this commitment. so i did. it was simply a whisper of a commitment i hope would change my life, one choice at a time.

i couldn't see anymore how i could complain about an exquisite machine that carried me from one country to another on a bicycle and (i hope) will one day create, carry, and deliver a new life into this world. but it wasn't just that my body (and yours) can do absolutely amazing things...more than anything, it had become clear that i didn't want to spend anymore time and energy on trying to change my body, on nitpicking my flesh, on rejecting myself. it wasn't worth it. cool thing about this decision? momastery just wrote a piece about how our lives are our masterpieces, not our bodies. i love that she called out this truth because women (and men!) need to believe it SO badly.

anyway, to start my journey, i started by saying: i loved my body, it does really amazing things, it's beautiful and i was grateful for it. and now when i feel tempted to complain, i just say a quiet, "thank you" or "you're cute" and move on from fixating on nothing. 

i commit to never complaining about my body again.

month 7: holy moly, we get to do what?

love, 

i'm sitting on the couch while you vacuum. our bike boxes are packed and each room has been prepared neatly for our departure. we're heading to bozeman in just an hour or so. my adrenaline is starting to pump a little more; i feel it rushing in my veins. if we leave the night before our flight, at least we have a lesser chance of being late, per our usual m.o. 

tomorrow, we'll be in vancouver to start our ride down to the mexican border. wtf. i've never done anything like this before. ever. and i can't imagine anyone else i'd rather do this with. can you? it feels both exhilarating and scary...which only equals one thing: YESYESYES!

i feel like this month flew by ridiculously fast. how is that possible? we are pacing ourselves at like 10% of how we lived in the bay. :-\ 

the memories we created this month were stellar: hosting candice & matt, dinner and hot tubbing under the clear star-filled sky at judy's, me leaving you at home for two days while i took wilderness first aid and you....you rode your bike around town, ate burgers, and introverted. we took hikes, slept in, cooked, rode our bikes, ran way too many errands in town, and deepened friendships.

what stands out to me in our relationship is that we became better partners this month. we're a better team because we hold each other more loosely. our marriage got infused with more ease, by way of conflict and resolution and i am more in love with you because of it.

i think even up until a month ago...i could still imagine some semblance of life without you. it would be hard, but i could imagine it. but right now, as i sit here reflecting on our relationship, my heart would ache so deeply if you were no longer part of my life. who else would do all the research!!?! kidding! ;-) 

no really, i think it has much to do with this month being a pretty pivotal month of realizing that we can create whatever kind of marriage we want and that that is a wildly beautiful task at hand. i'm grateful for your kindness and patience, your measured risk taking, and every time you spontaneously break out in another accent. 

you are the love of my life and i love that we are creating our marriage by cycling over 1900 miles over 40 days. whoowee! what will that do for us?! i can't wait to see.......be nice!

I LOVE YOU.

  

planning our wedding: our vows

samuel and i decided to write our own vows because we wanted to be intentional about what we were promising to each other before God and our community. we discussed that it was important to choose every statement, to be deliberate about everything we said. they are probably some of the weightiest words we will ever speak to each other. we wanted them to count.

in fact, we're celebrating our six month anniversary tomorrow by reciting our vows to each other again. to remember the covenant we made to each other on october 12, 2013. 

here they are. 

samuel's vows
Liz,

You're the one I've been waiting my whole life for. You're the girl of my dreams, only my limited imagination could never capture how breathtaking you are, how gracefully you move through this world, how loving you are towards me, or all the many little things that all add up to make you, well, Liz. 

I never knew what emotion to expect when I would finally meet the one I was to marry. I had convinced myself that it would be excitement, a spark, butterflies in my belly, an angelic choir singing, movements, tidal waves, hurricanes. Instead it was peace. A deep peace. A peace that told me that I could finally rest. I had found her, I had found you. 

Whatever we've gone through thus far in our relationship, and whatever our relationship has gone through in our lives, the ups, the down, the any-which-ways, the peace has always remained. Peace. You bring me at peace with the world. 

I am SO happy to be marrying you.

Here is what I promise for myself:

I promise to always be true to myself and what I believe is right, and what I believe is truth. 

This means not just going along with movement of the world around me, tossed to-and-fro with the tide of the times. I will be true to myself, so that I can be fully true to you. 

I cannot promise, in the toils and snares that life throws at us, to always feel love towards you, but I promise to always act lovingly towards you, knowing that God has placed me in this world for you, and you for me, and in that act of love and service, love itself will blossom. 

I promise to be the best husband I can be to you, encouraging you, protecting you, providing for you, and orienting my life towards making you the purest and best form of yourself. I promise to be the best father I can be to our children, raising them up in a Godly household, instilling in them the values that we hold, in love and in discipline. 

Here is what I promise for you:

You are a wellspring of life and a fire in this world. I promise to let you know when you burn me, or when you soothe, or when you excite. I promise to not smother that fire, but also not let it rage out of control. 

You are an artist, a creature created in God's own image, to create. You've created beautiful things, meaningful things, you open the eyes of the world to a breathtaking reality. I promise to nurture that creativity, to encourage you in your craft, and recognize that your best, your brightest, your most glorious moments, are moments of creation. 

You are a women, a wonderfully mysterious being. I will never promise to always understand you, but I will promise to always try. Our differences are a gift, an idea that we will both spend a lifetime working towards. I love you, I love our differences, and I love what we are together. 

Finally I promise that you will always my one, my queen, my bird, forever.

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if you thought this was well-written, need help writing your own vows, or know someone who could use help, my husband is a pop-expert in speech writing. he would be happy to be of service!

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liz's vows

samuel, 

you are the love of my life.

sometimes i still can't believe that you and i have ended up together. 

i didn't know that i was capable of loving someone as much as i love you until you showed up and asked me to REI.

one of the first things i was drawn to about you, is that you have this ability to create a big wide open accepting space for me to be fully me -- in my beautiful wild ways and in all the ways i'm messed up. you accept me exactly as i am, and you love me over and over again regardless of me being a tender baby bird or one with ruffled feathers. you've demonstrated to me how God loves me over and over again regardless of what i do or don't do. He simply loves. like how you simply love me.

in our marriage, i commit to love and accept you exactly as you are, as you've shown me. 

you know that i wasn't a very good student. i can barely memorize a haiku. i got a D in calculus and stopped buying books in college b/c i never read them. but when there was a class i was super excited about - like macro econ - i studied really hard, went to every tutorial, solved every problem and aced those classes. i loved asking questions, going to extra study sessions, and genuinely understanding the class material. i'm really excited about you, samuel mandell. i want to keep learning about you, as you grow and change. i want to stay curious about you and discover why i love you over and over again. 

in our marriage, i commit to being your best student. 

i was looking at this picture of your mom the other day, her eyes filled with kindness, coupled with her mischievous smile. and i was reminded of something she told me during her last days.... that we have to work hard at marriage. 

whatever comes our way, i commit to working hard at our marriage - with deep kindness and some mischievous ways

but most of all, i commit to being fully myself with you. to be honest, vulnerable, and open with you always. 

you are my best friend and the best gift i could've asked for, and i receive you with my whole heart.

month 4: settling in

ohlove, 

it's wild to think that we've been in montana now for over five weeks, isn't it? and at the same time, it isn't. i remember when we first got here, sheri asked if you were in love with it. you sharply responded with a dismal, "i need more time to determine an opinion." this response was after witnessing the brilliance of the madison valley and being in such a wonderful home for several days. how much more time did you need to fall in love?! it makes me laugh now thinking about this interaction. 

one, because i'm reminded again of how utterly different you and i are, and 
two, because it wasn't anything i could do to convince you to love this place. 

montana will do as it wills. and i can see now that she has slowly persuaded you with her silencing snowfall, piercing peaks, dramatic skies, and her pace. montana is a beauty to behold and you have opened yourself to be seized by her presence, as she has done with me.

we still have little idea of what's unfolding during this year off, but i trust that what's unfolding is better than what we could've dreamt up ourselves. and i'm just glad that we're in it together, especially while cuddling. : ) 

there were a few things i want to remember about this month:

• you said that it seems more likely that we'll be settling down in montana. this totally caught me by surprise and made my heart squeal in glee and fear! (the non-committal part of me is freaked out because i know you don't say things lightly.)
• having the messengers over to romp around in the woods, and then to see those amazing photos they took. wow.
• skiing with you and watching how you just go for those gnarly hills that i've been avoiding. WOW! it's totally inspired me to take more risks on the slopes. 
• you started your blog. i'm so proud of you for putting yourself out there!
• that conflict we had where you lovingly called me out on my shit. it's true, i was being controlling and not creating a space for you to relax and thrive. instead, i was running you over and i don't want to do that. o love... 
• the time you drove us into a snow ditch and we got to witness the miracle of over a dozen angels come and help us out. (and of course, our new spear: courtesy of the metal post we managed to rip in half.)
• our commitment to the artist's way. i'm so grateful that you're enjoying the process and that we've created a sacred space for our creativity to emerge. i'm grateful for a partner in this journey.
• the day you just held me as i cried and cried and cried because i was feeling so lonely. how loving of you to simply be with me through that.

rar!

-your baby dragon

ps. i love you.

month 3: pack pack pack & unpack

lovey, 

we got rid of so much crap it was ridiculous. reducing our combined lives down to one (rather large, but still) carload was an enormous task. packing to settle into a new home with the notion that we might become nomadic was not easy. and i know i wasn't the easiest person to deal with when i'd look sharply at your stuff and say, "uhh...are you gonna get rid of that?" with my loving and non-judgmental tone of voice. or when i stood between the dining room and kitchen looking at our giant mass of kitchen/food boxes and broke down. "there's just too much stuff! i'm overwhelmed." you hugged me, as you often do, and let me be me.

we said goodbye to our families through thanksgiving and christmas, goodbye to our friends over and over, and goodbye to a life that treated us extremely well. it was heartbreaking to leave behind something so good, but i know i'd never regret having chosen this new life with you. 

you've seen me more vividly this month. in the form of weeping over and over, the joy of driving towards our destination (the place that's captured my heart: montana), my attitudiness because i really need to get out and roam but i've been inside all day, in my ocd zero waste endeavors, ... 

but when i look back on this past month, i'm filled with gratitude towards you. you were on board to reduce your life down to boxes and move to a state you've never been to. and you've been open. really open. to being here, discovering ennis, learning about montana/beef jerky/ribs/setting up the hot tub/fixing/cleaning/writing/cooking/thisthatthisthat.

you've been encouraging to me, asking about what i might need, if i've started making plans for my biz idea, etc. you've been kind to say good morning __(insert some term of endearment)__ every day, to come upstairs to tell me about new discoveries or just to say hi, to take care of so many of the various needs here like bringing in wood pellets almost every day! you've been so patient with all of my looks and words of judgement (sorry!), my ocd tendencies, my desires to wander or randomly drive down some road. 

a few memories that stick out to me:

• when you held me as we lay together on the red couch. i felt so much love towards your kind and loving heart that tears streamed down my face.
• when we finally hit montana!!!!
• saying weeping goodbye to heather, steve, ian, matt, and mary on the morning of 1/1/14. wow.
• reflection time at philz on 12/31/13
• your eagerness to make beef jerky
• that nasty trash smell that we endured to/from bozeman. we certainly learned our lesson.
• discovering how awesome the ennis library is!
• finally arriving at our new home. (still makes me sigh in relief...)

it's hard to believe that it's been only a month since the last letter. damn. it's been a good month.

i love you with all my heart my love (even if you look sickly).
-birdy

month 1: adjustments, firsts, and singing

my love, 

it's hard to believe that it's already been a month since you and i got married. time has felt elusive since we said our vows and celebrated with our beloved community. we've experienced so much in the last month. you've whet my appetite for our future, for how we'll create our marriage. (yes, i posted this picture even though you think you look a little funny in it. what? i like how it --fine, how i-- came out...)

after that amazing dinner with family, i was eager to head to calistoga to start our honeymoon. i couldn't wait to be with you! we needed time away after such an intense six weeks of wedding planning. can you imagine if we had a longer engagement? lol. i'm not sure we could've handled that. 

i have to say, it felt so natural to get used to sharing a bed with you (a first!), and waking up next to your sweetness. you're really cute when you sleep. i was nervous about starting our marriage because it would be (and is!) such a huge adjustment from single life. i was surprised by how easy it was to be more and more myself with you. and after we got to tahoe, i started feeling so much adoration for you those first few days. i think my heart grew a little bigger. plus, i had so much fun with you roaming around tahoe, tandem biking, hiking, cooking, eating, watching movies, hot tubbing, and other wonderful things married people do together (many firsts!). ;-) 

i think you started singing again more during this portion of our tahoe trip too. i think singing means you're happy and at peace. you'd spontaneously break out in song about something random happening in the moment. "oh look, lizzy is eating again. eating eating eating. lizzy lizzy lizzy." (i know that wasn't even close.) and even though i don't give you much attention when you sing those made-up tunes, know that i think it's adorable and i love you more for them. it's just happening quietly in my heart. 

then we headed south to yosemite with jb & nino for honeymoon part i.5. it was a gift to be able to spend time with your our cousins, even eating crappy lodge food. golly, the food was so bad i remember feeling embarrassed that our french cousins had to eat it. but...redemption wasn't far off. a really good pizza joint, oysters from tomales bay oyster company, and a korean feast can easily cure things. haha.

i remember the day we picked them up in reno, they fell asleep in the back while you drove down the 580s. i took this picture at about the exact time our ceremony started one week prior. i thought, "you are my man." actually, i probably said it out loud given how extroverted i am with you. ;) hehe. i love looking at this photo of you. it makes me feel incredibly peaceful knowing that we committed to living out the rest of our lives together. that you are mine and i am yours. i think it was one of the first moments when i could finally sink into that new reality. 

jb & nino. ahh.... they are such sweet people. i'm lucky that i inherit them into my life by way of you. although my communication with them isn't as fluid as i would hope, what farts can do for relationships is astounding. it was so much fun to share that lodge room and drive all over california with them. and you know what i'd say my favorite part of yosemite was...yup, you guessed it: the black bear sighting!!! it was SO AWESOME when you told us all to stop and look to our right. and just like that... the bear walked right in front of us. my eyes almost fell out of their sockets because i was so elated. it was all of our first time seeing a bear! 

after our cousins left, we stopped by mountain view for a few days to scrub down your apt before handing in your keys. you spent the first day or two by yourself in your old space to clear out your belongings in order to move into my our place. i wondered what went through your head during that time alone, sifting through everything you own. you'd come home to me at night, tired. not because it was necessarily physically taxing, but because it seemed you went through an emotional marathon of closing that chapter of your life. i remember feeling glad to see you at the end of the day. i missed you, even though we were only apart for a matter of hours. as independent as i can be, i've been so surprised that i want to spend all my time with you! (although, writing this alone is pretty nice. haha)

then it was time for honeymoon part ii. friends joining us at our amazing tahoe cabin (thanks to the durdens!). it was so much fun to be in community and practice hospitality with you. we i spent too much on groceries to make sure we had "enough" food. we took them on bike rides. cooked together. shared meals around that giant table. it was such a gift to be with them, and with you. matt makes awesome pancakes and candice is crazy. joy & billy can cook some damn good chicken and mary makes mean meals. and poor tiff, she was so sick! :( and i will never forget the last night that it started snowing. it felt like magic. the snow was so dry and crunchy, we jumped straight into the hot tub! hard apple cider + snowfall was amazing. and waking up the next morning blew me away. we went from warm sunny days to a winter wonderland overnight. i had never seen the torch being passed from one season to the next so clearly, and there it was. all i wanted to do was play, and you were concerned for our safety back home. we had a bit of a conflict later about that and other things, but as usual....we resolved it quickly. (of course after some huffing and puffing and silent awkwardness on the road. i think i'm getting better at conflict resolution. don't you think?)  :)

sometimes in the morning, if i wake up before you, i like to watch you sleep (and take photos). there you are my love! my peaceful bunny.

being married to you is not just about the fun adventures we've been on....but it's the simple daily things. it's all the stuff that happens between these photos. it's the moments we're present to each other. (sometimes cooking, but definitely) eating together, asking about your day even if we spent the whole of it together, being in the same room doing separate things, all the ways you mock me and i can't help but howl, the small looks and expressions, the result of curiosity or lack thereof, the check-ins we have about how sex was, hearing your footsteps and knowing you've come home to me, it's the learnings. lots of learnings.... constant learning. i promised you i would be your best student in my vows, and i hope you feel like you are more known each day. because i certainly feel more known (and therefore loved) by you.

thanks for being you, samuel. for being my beloved. for loving me through and through. you are so good to me, especially when i don't deserve it. i've felt so served each time you: offer me food when i've already had my meal because you know i'd like a taste, tell me you love everything about me when i complain about my growing belly (no i'm not pregnant), open the car door and ask, "ready?" before you close it, ride my emotional waves and stand as a steady rock, & hold me for no reason but as an outpouring of love.

i am in love with you! and i look forward to what's to come. i can't imagine who else i'd rather be on this journey with but you. 

love always, 
your bird-dragon

ps. i know you love this song so here's one more for today.