month 7: holy moly, we get to do what?

love, 

i'm sitting on the couch while you vacuum. our bike boxes are packed and each room has been prepared neatly for our departure. we're heading to bozeman in just an hour or so. my adrenaline is starting to pump a little more; i feel it rushing in my veins. if we leave the night before our flight, at least we have a lesser chance of being late, per our usual m.o. 

tomorrow, we'll be in vancouver to start our ride down to the mexican border. wtf. i've never done anything like this before. ever. and i can't imagine anyone else i'd rather do this with. can you? it feels both exhilarating and scary...which only equals one thing: YESYESYES!

i feel like this month flew by ridiculously fast. how is that possible? we are pacing ourselves at like 10% of how we lived in the bay. :-\ 

the memories we created this month were stellar: hosting candice & matt, dinner and hot tubbing under the clear star-filled sky at judy's, me leaving you at home for two days while i took wilderness first aid and you....you rode your bike around town, ate burgers, and introverted. we took hikes, slept in, cooked, rode our bikes, ran way too many errands in town, and deepened friendships.

what stands out to me in our relationship is that we became better partners this month. we're a better team because we hold each other more loosely. our marriage got infused with more ease, by way of conflict and resolution and i am more in love with you because of it.

i think even up until a month ago...i could still imagine some semblance of life without you. it would be hard, but i could imagine it. but right now, as i sit here reflecting on our relationship, my heart would ache so deeply if you were no longer part of my life. who else would do all the research!!?! kidding! ;-) 

no really, i think it has much to do with this month being a pretty pivotal month of realizing that we can create whatever kind of marriage we want and that that is a wildly beautiful task at hand. i'm grateful for your kindness and patience, your measured risk taking, and every time you spontaneously break out in another accent. 

you are the love of my life and i love that we are creating our marriage by cycling over 1900 miles over 40 days. whoowee! what will that do for us?! i can't wait to see.......be nice!

I LOVE YOU.

  

month 3: pack pack pack & unpack

lovey, 

we got rid of so much crap it was ridiculous. reducing our combined lives down to one (rather large, but still) carload was an enormous task. packing to settle into a new home with the notion that we might become nomadic was not easy. and i know i wasn't the easiest person to deal with when i'd look sharply at your stuff and say, "uhh...are you gonna get rid of that?" with my loving and non-judgmental tone of voice. or when i stood between the dining room and kitchen looking at our giant mass of kitchen/food boxes and broke down. "there's just too much stuff! i'm overwhelmed." you hugged me, as you often do, and let me be me.

we said goodbye to our families through thanksgiving and christmas, goodbye to our friends over and over, and goodbye to a life that treated us extremely well. it was heartbreaking to leave behind something so good, but i know i'd never regret having chosen this new life with you. 

you've seen me more vividly this month. in the form of weeping over and over, the joy of driving towards our destination (the place that's captured my heart: montana), my attitudiness because i really need to get out and roam but i've been inside all day, in my ocd zero waste endeavors, ... 

but when i look back on this past month, i'm filled with gratitude towards you. you were on board to reduce your life down to boxes and move to a state you've never been to. and you've been open. really open. to being here, discovering ennis, learning about montana/beef jerky/ribs/setting up the hot tub/fixing/cleaning/writing/cooking/thisthatthisthat.

you've been encouraging to me, asking about what i might need, if i've started making plans for my biz idea, etc. you've been kind to say good morning __(insert some term of endearment)__ every day, to come upstairs to tell me about new discoveries or just to say hi, to take care of so many of the various needs here like bringing in wood pellets almost every day! you've been so patient with all of my looks and words of judgement (sorry!), my ocd tendencies, my desires to wander or randomly drive down some road. 

a few memories that stick out to me:

• when you held me as we lay together on the red couch. i felt so much love towards your kind and loving heart that tears streamed down my face.
• when we finally hit montana!!!!
• saying weeping goodbye to heather, steve, ian, matt, and mary on the morning of 1/1/14. wow.
• reflection time at philz on 12/31/13
• your eagerness to make beef jerky
• that nasty trash smell that we endured to/from bozeman. we certainly learned our lesson.
• discovering how awesome the ennis library is!
• finally arriving at our new home. (still makes me sigh in relief...)

it's hard to believe that it's been only a month since the last letter. damn. it's been a good month.

i love you with all my heart my love (even if you look sickly).
-birdy

month 2: servanthood, laughter, and a break

my love, 

two months has felt like years! that sounds bad, but you know what i mean. each day has felt long and luxurious...well, until this past week. it suddenly became uber clear that we only have a few weeks left before our big move. the anxiety around what we need to do has increased, along with sadness and anticipation. 

when i reflect on what i've learned about you this month, the first thing that pops into my head is how much of a servant you are. i see the way you are often putting my needs wants above your own. i see how your leadership comes in the form of servanthood: the way i most respect and admire. your willingness to do this shows me your strength and character, and most importantly, your commitment to choose love. i love you for this. i've also learned how much of an information seeker you are. i knew this about you before we got married, but now that we're under the same roof, i can see it so clearly. sometimes it drives me nuts, but that's when i realize how i think my way is better than yours. eep. "just go with your gut already!" yeah, that's not really accepting you for you who are, is it? sowee... oh, and another thing i learned is that you really meant it when you said you lack spatial skills. trying to pack your suitcase + suit for geo's wedding was a bit of a mess. you really didn't like trying to solve that problem and i loved it! it came pretty naturally for me while it just irritated you. this was a really good learning experience of each other's strengths and weaknesses, especially since we're kind of embarking on a year of having to solve spatial problems. i'm happy to take the lead on this from now on, my love. ;) 

a lot of what we've focused on this past month has been preparing to move and spending time with family and friends.

we said goodbye to both of our cars and got "buddy" in return. he's going to take us where we want to go for the next year or so. a beast of a car, but getting him made it our adventure so much more tangible. thank you for spending countless hours researching which car would meet most/all our needs. our 2006 ford expedition will not only be an extension of "home," but it's also become a temporary haven for our little feline friends. (oh, scout!!)

i was so grateful to spend an afternoon with my dear amy rainbow, eating and hiking around. she's so significant to me, that any moment you get to spend with her too, means a great deal.

and remember biking to that locksmith when it was closed? i was trying not to show my frustration...could you tell? but that roadblock to crossing one more thing off our to do list turned into a spontaneous visit to the oak grove house. we devoured their snacks and then ended up inside a giant dairy refrigerator truck. haha, it was the last thing i imaged we'd be doing that day, but there we were: with yogurt, eggs, and cottage cheese in tow! i LOVE those kinds of experiences.

thanksgiving week was pretty special too. driving down to so cal, visiting my aunt and uncle and then alice and stephen+ on the way. 

i appreciated how you genuinely loved on my family. i loved those moments we spent with the girls and watching you interact with them (even if lydia fell off the couch on your watch). you're playful, but stern and i appreciate the boundaries you set with them. at first i thought the girls wouldn't like you because of that, but it was clear in the end that they were full of love and adoration. the girls love you and i can see so clearly how much you love them. do you know how much joy that brings me?!

and spending time with granddaddy arnold was pretty special too. this was my first time really engaging with him since your mom's memorial. he's brilliant, insightful, and a very sweet old man. passionate and vulnerable. honest and hopeful. i appreciate that we could be there with him. 

samuel, you know i think you're funny. but this month, i feel like you were particularly hilarious. i laughed the "i-can't-stop-this-is-hurting" kinda laugh several times, each time leading me to adore you even more. no one brings me as much joy as you do. do you know that?

but it hasn't been all good either. we realized a few things: 1) we need space from each other, 2) we have a tendency to micro-manage the other, and 3) both of our sleep has been suffering! 

even though i was bummed to miss out on all your austin shenanigans, it was a truly a gift to spend the past weekend apart. i got to participate and be witness to the miracle of childbirth while you ate enough to birth your own child. and i got to move to my own rhythm. it was quiet here at the barn, and i wasn't distracted by wanting to talk to you. essentially, it was super fun to re-live my single days and it made us both super aware that we just do better when we both have had time alone. i think we've done a nice job of trying to create that a bit more each day, even if just for an hour or so. it's helped that we've talked about it too.

the micro-managing thing is an interesting one. we need to keep an eye on this and catch it quickly. i appreciated that even today when i called it out, you came back a few minutes later and apologized. discussing it helped me understand what was driving that behavior and feel more empathy towards you versus just getting annoyed. of course i forgive you! 

and sleep... ugh. i'm just looking forward to larger bed. i know you are too. 

overall though, my love, i'm proud of the ways we've been communicating with each other. the mix of jokes, candor, and vulnerability holds a fragrance of commitment. i love each day spent with you. and i can't wait to begin 2014. i couldn't have asked for a more perfect partner.

love, 
your lovebird









































































ps. thanks for the 32lbs of persimmons. i think i've gotten my fill for 2013. 

the love of my life.

the first time we met, he was sort of rude...actually. in fact, he doesn't even remember that first interaction (even though there's proof of it on the trusty facebook, via someone else's photo. he he).

but, things change...don't they.

we started dating about 13 months ago and although i was quite hesitant at first, he has slowly and surely become the love of my life.  

every word, 
every act, 
every look, 
every hug, 
every tear, 
every touch, 
every laugh, 
every joke,
everything.

all of it has lead me to believe that he wants me, and only me. and we have become "meant to be" by each choice we've made to make room in our hearts for the other to come and make their home in.

our most recent choice was to get engaged. on sunday, july 14th, he asked, and i said of course! 

i love my man and can't wait to begin our married life together. he is one of the greatest gifts in my life. 

i love you samuel mandell. you bring such deep satisfaction to my soul.