month 2: servanthood, laughter, and a break

my love, 

two months has felt like years! that sounds bad, but you know what i mean. each day has felt long and luxurious...well, until this past week. it suddenly became uber clear that we only have a few weeks left before our big move. the anxiety around what we need to do has increased, along with sadness and anticipation. 

when i reflect on what i've learned about you this month, the first thing that pops into my head is how much of a servant you are. i see the way you are often putting my needs wants above your own. i see how your leadership comes in the form of servanthood: the way i most respect and admire. your willingness to do this shows me your strength and character, and most importantly, your commitment to choose love. i love you for this. i've also learned how much of an information seeker you are. i knew this about you before we got married, but now that we're under the same roof, i can see it so clearly. sometimes it drives me nuts, but that's when i realize how i think my way is better than yours. eep. "just go with your gut already!" yeah, that's not really accepting you for you who are, is it? sowee... oh, and another thing i learned is that you really meant it when you said you lack spatial skills. trying to pack your suitcase + suit for geo's wedding was a bit of a mess. you really didn't like trying to solve that problem and i loved it! it came pretty naturally for me while it just irritated you. this was a really good learning experience of each other's strengths and weaknesses, especially since we're kind of embarking on a year of having to solve spatial problems. i'm happy to take the lead on this from now on, my love. ;) 

a lot of what we've focused on this past month has been preparing to move and spending time with family and friends.

we said goodbye to both of our cars and got "buddy" in return. he's going to take us where we want to go for the next year or so. a beast of a car, but getting him made it our adventure so much more tangible. thank you for spending countless hours researching which car would meet most/all our needs. our 2006 ford expedition will not only be an extension of "home," but it's also become a temporary haven for our little feline friends. (oh, scout!!)

i was so grateful to spend an afternoon with my dear amy rainbow, eating and hiking around. she's so significant to me, that any moment you get to spend with her too, means a great deal.

and remember biking to that locksmith when it was closed? i was trying not to show my frustration...could you tell? but that roadblock to crossing one more thing off our to do list turned into a spontaneous visit to the oak grove house. we devoured their snacks and then ended up inside a giant dairy refrigerator truck. haha, it was the last thing i imaged we'd be doing that day, but there we were: with yogurt, eggs, and cottage cheese in tow! i LOVE those kinds of experiences.

thanksgiving week was pretty special too. driving down to so cal, visiting my aunt and uncle and then alice and stephen+ on the way. 

i appreciated how you genuinely loved on my family. i loved those moments we spent with the girls and watching you interact with them (even if lydia fell off the couch on your watch). you're playful, but stern and i appreciate the boundaries you set with them. at first i thought the girls wouldn't like you because of that, but it was clear in the end that they were full of love and adoration. the girls love you and i can see so clearly how much you love them. do you know how much joy that brings me?!

and spending time with granddaddy arnold was pretty special too. this was my first time really engaging with him since your mom's memorial. he's brilliant, insightful, and a very sweet old man. passionate and vulnerable. honest and hopeful. i appreciate that we could be there with him. 

samuel, you know i think you're funny. but this month, i feel like you were particularly hilarious. i laughed the "i-can't-stop-this-is-hurting" kinda laugh several times, each time leading me to adore you even more. no one brings me as much joy as you do. do you know that?

but it hasn't been all good either. we realized a few things: 1) we need space from each other, 2) we have a tendency to micro-manage the other, and 3) both of our sleep has been suffering! 

even though i was bummed to miss out on all your austin shenanigans, it was a truly a gift to spend the past weekend apart. i got to participate and be witness to the miracle of childbirth while you ate enough to birth your own child. and i got to move to my own rhythm. it was quiet here at the barn, and i wasn't distracted by wanting to talk to you. essentially, it was super fun to re-live my single days and it made us both super aware that we just do better when we both have had time alone. i think we've done a nice job of trying to create that a bit more each day, even if just for an hour or so. it's helped that we've talked about it too.

the micro-managing thing is an interesting one. we need to keep an eye on this and catch it quickly. i appreciated that even today when i called it out, you came back a few minutes later and apologized. discussing it helped me understand what was driving that behavior and feel more empathy towards you versus just getting annoyed. of course i forgive you! 

and sleep... ugh. i'm just looking forward to larger bed. i know you are too. 

overall though, my love, i'm proud of the ways we've been communicating with each other. the mix of jokes, candor, and vulnerability holds a fragrance of commitment. i love each day spent with you. and i can't wait to begin 2014. i couldn't have asked for a more perfect partner.

love, 
your lovebird









































































ps. thanks for the 32lbs of persimmons. i think i've gotten my fill for 2013. 

my lady loves.

lily turned one almost a month ago now, so i flew down to los angeles to celebrate with my sister and family. it's an understatement to say that i was enthralled by my nieces this trip. they are are such gifts in my life. 

play | vertical worm

(maybe more like larvae)

anyway, you do whatcha gotta do, to play.

missing little people.

was looking through some pictures from my last visit to san diego and felt tingly all over. i miss this one.

sage | library outing + a favorite story

my parents never read me the velveteen rabbit growing up, but i must say, it is one of my favorite children's books. the message in it is profound. 

so to my delight, sage picked it up and brought it over to me to read to her while roaming the children's section at the public library. i didn't get through the entire story before she started wandering off to bring me other books, playing with the magnetic alphabet, and asking me to perform a puppet show, but i kept reading...perhaps for my own sake.


anyway, before all that i managed to grab this picture of her and the book - one of my favorites from this weekend's visit to san diego. 

An excerpt:

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

the ladies

from a recent visit....
my sisters, mom, and two out of three nieces. we're just missing little norah. :(

loving my family. ♥

what i learned from my little sage.

you know what i learned from my 3.5yo niece this weekend?

to ask people to play.
and if they deny you….
to wait a bit,
and then ask again.

and if they deny you again….
don't take it personally.
wait.
and ask again.

then you will likely get to ride on the back of a grown-up crawling on all fours pretending to be a dinosaur while chasing an 11-month laughing baby down the hall. then you might get thrown on a large down comforter resembling something of a giant fluffy cloud. i promise you, it'll probably the best thing you do all day!

lessons learned?
ask to play with friends more often.
be persistent.
don't take rejection personally.
there's magic in being open to anything - especially our imaginations!

i had such a good time time this weekend in LA with family and the girls. kids….are pretty damn awesome sometimes.

i miss them.

these pics are from my last visit to san diego in early april.

norah had been in the world for only a week and a half, and sage....well, she was having a hard time adjusting to the baby sister. i love that lil rascal. i want to give her the biggest squeeze!

an update on sage.

there are some of you that could be mistaken as sage's auntie because you profess a love & desire for her that even surprises me.

(well. . .. . don't get me wrong. i love it!)
so, this update is for all you obsessive sage fans. ;-)

on tuesday 12/29, i decided to drive down to sd to surprise gene/helen/sage. i packed a bag and cut some fruit to make the music-filled, reflective, drivereallyreallyfast, trek. after 8.5 hours (my longest drive to SD to date - shortest was 6-6.5 hrs), i ran from my car to surprise them as soon as they pulled up. they were really surprised, and so was sage. she didn't quite know what to do with herself.

any slumber she had experienced on the car ride home evaporated in nano seconds and suddenly she had all the energy to jabba-jabba-jabba, prance around, and give generous kisses. she stayed up much later than any 2.5 year old probably should.

sage has changed quite a bit over the last year or so. developmentally, she's stringing together thoughts, those thoughts now audibly make more sense, her vocabulary's growing, she "gets" things, remembers everyone's names (and dogs), she knows what to say to avoid spankings.... hahaha, she's quite clever and definitely cuter for it.

but.


she still looks the exactly the same as she did a year ago! (ok, maybe not exactly, but soo similar.) same clothes, same hair (well, a little longer mullet now), same little feet, same same same.
lucky me (and you)....we get to enjoy her as this sweet little babe for a bit longer.
until, well.... she turns into one of us! ;-)

just cute.

so thought i'd share.

(picture taken sept 26, 09)

sage.gene.helen are in town this week(end) visiting me in the barn loft. i'm a lucky gal.

that look.

how do you not feel at ease when these little eyes look at you like that?

this week's been unexpectedly rough. a test of character.
le sigh.
:(

hmph.

"OMGCUTE"

someone recently commented on a facebook post of sage and said he wanted to rent her & take "load of OMGCUTE photos" of sage.

it made me chuckle.

so this one's for you.

(sage's first pigtails).

post #401

missing baby love.
(& ps. that's my sister's nostril on the top right).

2 already?

happy birthday baby love.
(in my favorite t.shirt)

hehe...couldn't help it. i had to put her in it.
i especially love her little feet sticking out. rar. :-)

unsolicited

kisses and hugs from sage is like wringing my heart out. (even if i have her in my auntie "death grip" and i asked her for a kiss). when i mentioned in an earlier post that i have a lot to learn about love from her, i wasn't just making that up. one of the beautiful things about kids is that they are unfiltered...and although it can be annoying/frustrating/bothersome at times...there's something so right about it too. i want to be more like sage and show&tell people that i love them exactly in the moment that i'm feeling it. the catch is actually allowing myself to feel loved and remaining open to it all the time.

when we experience an outpour of love in our lives, i believe we're able to extend that same goodness + more, to others around us.

i could just devour this lil sweetpea!

giggles.

sage's personality is definitely developing. she's a little person now. she loves having fun and being silly & i love how she brings out the 'play' in me.

i love gettin crazy with her...even with a big ole camera in tow.