Thursday, December 12, 2013

month 2: servanthood, laughter, and a break

my love, 

two months has felt like years! that sounds bad, but you know what i mean. each day has felt long and luxurious...well, until this past week. it suddenly became uber clear that we only have a few weeks left before our big move. the anxiety around what we need to do has increased, along with sadness and anticipation. 

when i reflect on what i've learned about you this month, the first thing that pops into my head is how much of a servant you are. i see the way you are often putting my needs wants above your own. i see how your leadership comes in the form of servanthood: the way i most respect and admire. your willingness to do this shows me your strength and character, and most importantly, your commitment to choose love. i love you for this. i've also learned how much of an information seeker you are. i knew this about you before we got married, but now that we're under the same roof, i can see it so clearly. sometimes it drives me nuts, but that's when i realize how i think my way is better than yours. eep. "just go with your gut already!" yeah, that's not really accepting you for you who are, is it? sowee... oh, and another thing i learned is that you really meant it when you said you lack spatial skills. trying to pack your suitcase + suit for geo's wedding was a bit of a mess. you really didn't like trying to solve that problem and i loved it! it came pretty naturally for me while it just irritated you. this was a really good learning experience of each other's strengths and weaknesses, especially since we're kind of embarking on a year of having to solve spatial problems. i'm happy to take the lead on this from now on, my love. ;) 

a lot of what we've focused on this past month has been preparing to move and spending time with family and friends.

we said goodbye to both of our cars and got "buddy" in return. he's going to take us where we want to go for the next year or so. a beast of a car, but getting him made it our adventure so much more tangible. thank you for spending countless hours researching which car would meet most/all our needs. our 2006 ford expedition will not only be an extension of "home," but it's also become a temporary haven for our little feline friends. (oh, scout!!)

i was so grateful to spend an afternoon with my dear amy rainbow, eating and hiking around. she's so significant to me, that any moment you get to spend with her too, means a great deal.

and remember biking to that locksmith when it was closed? i was trying not to show my frustration...could you tell? but that roadblock to crossing one more thing off our to do list turned into a spontaneous visit to the oak grove house. we devoured their snacks and then ended up inside a giant dairy refrigerator truck. haha, it was the last thing i imaged we'd be doing that day, but there we were: with yogurt, eggs, and cottage cheese in tow! i LOVE those kinds of experiences.

thanksgiving week was pretty special too. driving down to so cal, visiting my aunt and uncle and then alice and stephen+ on the way. 

i appreciated how you genuinely loved on my family. i loved those moments we spent with the girls and watching you interact with them (even if lydia fell off the couch on your watch). you're playful, but stern and i appreciate the boundaries you set with them. at first i thought the girls wouldn't like you because of that, but it was clear in the end that they were full of love and adoration. the girls love you and i can see so clearly how much you love them. do you know how much joy that brings me?!

and spending time with granddaddy arnold was pretty special too. this was my first time really engaging with him since your mom's memorial. he's brilliant, insightful, and a very sweet old man. passionate and vulnerable. honest and hopeful. i appreciate that we could be there with him. 

samuel, you know i think you're funny. but this month, i feel like you were particularly hilarious. i laughed the "i-can't-stop-this-is-hurting" kinda laugh several times, each time leading me to adore you even more. no one brings me as much joy as you do. do you know that?

but it hasn't been all good either. we realized a few things: 1) we need space from each other, 2) we have a tendency to micro-manage the other, and 3) both of our sleep has been suffering! 

even though i was bummed to miss out on all your austin shenanigans, it was a truly a gift to spend the past weekend apart. i got to participate and be witness to the miracle of childbirth while you ate enough to birth your own child. and i got to move to my own rhythm. it was quiet here at the barn, and i wasn't distracted by wanting to talk to you. essentially, it was super fun to re-live my single days and it made us both super aware that we just do better when we both have had time alone. i think we've done a nice job of trying to create that a bit more each day, even if just for an hour or so. it's helped that we've talked about it too.

the micro-managing thing is an interesting one. we need to keep an eye on this and catch it quickly. i appreciated that even today when i called it out, you came back a few minutes later and apologized. discussing it helped me understand what was driving that behavior and feel more empathy towards you versus just getting annoyed. of course i forgive you! 

and sleep... ugh. i'm just looking forward to larger bed. i know you are too. 

overall though, my love, i'm proud of the ways we've been communicating with each other. the mix of jokes, candor, and vulnerability holds a fragrance of commitment. i love each day spent with you. and i can't wait to begin 2014. i couldn't have asked for a more perfect partner.

your lovebird

ps. thanks for the 32lbs of persimmons. i think i've gotten my fill for 2013. 

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