sykes hot springs | early morning soak

i woke up on friday morning and decided to go backpacking for a quick overnighter in big sur. i had been wanting to go to sykes hot springs for a while now and hadn't said yesyesyes! to creating and following through on making it happen. so i packed up my gear, portioned out some food and took off (after having an omelette and hash browns at my favorite breakfast spot with a wonderful friend). two hours and a $5 parking permit later, i started my trek into the ventana wilderness.


i didn't see any other women traveling solo, so when i saw a woman unloading her gear from a gnarly red truck i thought, "awesome. maybe i can walk over to her and say hello. we'll be friends!" but while i floundered around to think of how to befriend her, three guys came over to her side. :\  o well. i wasn't particularly interested in gaining four companions.


anyway, after about 4.5 hours of hiking 10 miles, i finally reached a secluded spot across the creek to set up shop. i quickly set up my tent and headed downstream in search of the hot springs. when i got there, i was presented with three options: 1) little brother - smallest pool occupied by a dad/son duo, 2) big brother - large, deepest, and warmest but occupied by three young'ens who were already quite drunk and loud with one of them behaving like a large ham, or 3) sandbag - occupied with nude couple who were quietly enjoying the space and enjoying each other. hmm. the choices were all so appealing, i couldn't decide. wasn't entirely feeling like sitting soo close with the dad, so that was out. and between nude couple or the threesome who brought the spring break party with them into the wilderness, i opted for the nude couple. but when i asked the dude if they minded if i joined them, he quickly motioned (with his eyes) that there might be space down in big brother. haha, gotcha. so i joined in the big brother tub and was immediately offered me shots. to their surprise, i kindly declined. they warned me that they were going to be loud, but i didn't realize how much dissonance i'd feel. the ham couldn't stop behaving like a ham, the other guy (who looked like a freaking abercrombie model) could not engage in a conversation for more than 1/2 a second, and the girl was so out of it. i felt very  out of place. then after three more guys piled in, i decided to leave and come back early in the morning when no one was around.


so i did just that. 
with everyone still slumbering, i hopped into sandbag in my natural glory and soaked it all in. sigh...

high sierra trail | day 7 | guitar lake to whitney portal

today's mileage: 16 miles

we woke up at 3am and started our ascent by 3:50am. it was pitch black and the sky blanketed us with stars. i barely slept because the slight bump i was on began to feel so uncomfortable that i kept thinking i was sleeping like this.

the day before, i had felt in my gut that this would be a hard climb, and it was. hit with altitude sickness pretty early on, i felt miserable for almost the entirety of the ascent. nausea, diarrhea and headaches were my symptoms and all i wanted to do was cry. so i did, in the dark, by myself. 


i'll spare the sob story, but what i came out of this time was this: i can't make it in this world alone. i consider myself an independent person who typically handles things on my own. it's rare for me to ask for help because i know i can probably figure it out. but sometimes... i need to accept my weaknesses, cry out for help, and say yes! when help arrives. i couldn't have made it up mount whitney if it weren't for the committed and generous help of my friends brendon and di.


it took - what seemed like - an eternity to summit. in the early hours of this journey, the sun rose and illuminated the route we had taken and the route we were on. it was both painful and joyful to see (first image); i was at times, in disbelief that i was hiking up a mountain. "i'm crazy!" and "this is so amazing! i'm so glad i'm here!" stirred around simultaneously. but i've found that it's that exact cocktail of emotions/thoughts/feelings that flag for me that i am alive and well...and on a very good journey. :)


when we finally got to the drop off point, i mustered up an excited smile for this picture. but shortly after, my headache came back with a vengeance. 

we finally all made it to the top and caused this hoot, and made it off the peak of the mountain before a big storm rolled through. 


and how awesome is this guy? if i hiked up mt. whitney just to see him... it could've been worth it. (he didn't know i took this picture. i was in stealth mode.)
after what seemed like another eternity of the descent (i.e. 98-100 switchbacks and 6,000' drop). we drove to the nearest town, and ate (a lot). this kinda of mass consumption continued for the next couple days...

high sierra trail | question certainty

before i left for the sierras, i made a comment about a certain photo of a women wearing her bikini on top of mount whitney. i said (rather judgmentally) that i "certainly won't be wearing my bikini when i summit." 


well, i'm happy to report that attitudes change. and in fact, opposing opinions can easily turn into inspiration if we let go our our egos and remain curious. yes! that is me plus six others in our underwear on top of mt. whitney!!

my friends and i agreed to strip down to our underwear/bikinis when we arrived at the summit. in fact, our two new friends scott & alisa (dad & daughter thru hikers) were open to the idea as well. so when we all reached the summit, we looked at each other and said, "are we really doing this?!" there was an unsaid excitement in the air as we quickly stripped down in the cold. we recruited a lady walking around in her green puffy jacket to take our pictures while a 15-person boy scout troup we yo-yoed with during the trip, hooted & hollered in the background. 


my lesson learned is to consider my certainties....and to re-consider them.


maybe my no or yes can turn into inspiration for saying yesyesyes! or nonono! maybe in re-considering the things i'm absolutely certain - even judgemental - about can be a source for whimsy and inspiration, that i can even invite friends (and strangers) to take part in. maybe it's a source for creating those unforgettable moments that break us out of what we think we know in order to experience something we wouldn't have even considered. maybe it's a catalyst for stepping more and more into being alive. and certainly...it's a source for immense fun!  ;-)

high sierra trail | following

the light drew us awake

the path led us

to follow lively rivers

and forests of life and decay

up mountains with sheer drops

jumping from rock to rock that were

tango dancing with flowing snow

still lakes, valleys of magnificence

mountain tops capped by exquisite sunsets

the darkness called us to be still

it brought rest

and restlessness

the darkness freckled by a world of light

only to be seen 

as we went higher and higher

to gaze straight into her face

all these things seen

felt

experienced

touched

untouched

finally broke me.

all of the beauty

pain

suffering

awe

finally broke me.

all i could do was nod, "yes."

forget what you know.

question assumption. 
stop and wonder. 
be curious.
re-wonder.


i did this recently by asking myself if my "dining room" really needed to be a dining room? sure it's the room right next to the kitchen, but i'd much rather have a studio to paint and sand, and to enjoy a glass of wine while getting my hands real dirty. so i said goodbye to the room formerly known as the dining room!


i spent last thursday evening staining some wood and painting with minimal light wee into the night. there, happiness glazed over me.

i wonder what else in my life is posing as something because it "should be" rather than being what it could be?

whimsy | dancing panda at sfo

thought it might be fun to recycle my friend's panda costume to pick up my dear friends from sfo last night. so i did a sort of solo flash mob to welcome them home. i can see why people do those things in large groups...it requires courage and shamelessness!  i was so nervous right before i started that my stomach was upset afterward. (eh, but it could've also been from the large quantity of zanahorias curtidas that i consumed at lunch.)  anyway, here's to spontaneity and whimsy!

we had loads of fun dancing around afterward while we waited for the bags to arrive, and everyone got a turn being a panda head.


thanks to lisa (filming), mary (costume), seri (costume maker), & the fosths for joining right in. :-)

friday morning thots | 6.10.11

• the outpour of love i've received this week is inspiring. (thank you dear friends for your support.)
• i took a stroll that was so damn slow, that i caused local neighborhood traffic. (thank you back injury)
• we all walk our own path. (thank you amy rainbow)
• amidst uncertainty, there is certainty. certainty that i'm loved and that i love.
• journey, values, process...not outcome. 
• letting go is like an onion. (it'll make you cry.) ;-P 
• trust intuition. trust instinct. trust yourself. 
• keep choosing vulnerability. (thank you brene brown)
• let my yes, be a YES YES YES! (thank you henri cartier-bresson)
• bike lanes (thank you josh)
• i saw an egg being laid yesterday!!!! wow-O (thank you pearl)
• are we ever really starting over? or are we just starting a new iteration? 
• lean into the steep climb, lean deeply in... (thank you windy hill osp)

and an excerpt by the beloved thomas merton, quoted in why not be a mystic by frank tuoti: 

Whether you understand or not, God loves you, is present to you, lives in you, calls you, saves you and offers you an understanding and light which are like nothing you ever found in books or sermons.... If you dare to penetrate your own silence...and risk the sharing of that silence with the lonely other who seeks God through and with you, then you will recover the light and the capacity to understand what is beyond words.... It is the intimate union...of God's spirit and your own inmost self, so that you and God are, in all truth, one.

inspiration | the decisive moment

french photographer henri cartier-bresson articulates the way he exists in the world in this video, in such a way that helps me understand myself better. he's the grandfather of what i love and therefore am part of his lineage. beautiful! 

my favorite quotes in the 18 minute piece:

"life is once, forever."

"it's a recognition of an order that's in front of you."

"photographs you can look at over and over. not many. not many."

"i stood in front of him for maybe an hour and a half in utter silence."

"there's no rule."

"it's an instinct."

"it's a question of awareness. everything in your body, rar. that's beautiful....for me it's a physical pleasure, photography."

"it doesn't take any brains, it takes sensitivity, finger, and two legs."

"i'm extremely impulsive. terribly. it's really a pain in the neck for my friends and family. i take advantage of that in photography."

"i never think. i act. quick."

"you have to forget yourself. you have to be yourself and you have to forget yourself."

"poetry is the essence of everything."

"there's no new ideas in the world."

"death is present everywhere"

"there are some places where the pulse beats more."

"places where i'm at all the time, i know too much and not enough. and to be lucid about it is the most difficult."

"your mind must be open. aware. aware."

"what is interesting is consistency. to keep on on on on."

"the camera...it's a way of shouting the way you feel"

"the camera...it can be a warm kiss. it can be a sketchbook, the camera."

"i enjoy shooting a picture, being present. it's a way of saying, 'yes yes yes!'"

"there's no maybe, all the maybes should go in the trash."

"it's the enjoyment of saying yes, even if it's something you hate. it's an affirmation. yes!"

i wonder what it would be like to live more instinctually... how might i practice that? perhaps saying, "yes yes yes!!" to what arises next.