1.1.12

it was...
to stay in the heart break, anger, and sorrow until i could finally move through it.
to stay crying when i couldn't stop.
to stay with my friends, as they worked through the intensity and hardship of being in marriage relationship.
to stay in one place, and not think about moving on to the next grand adventure.
to stay with the depression of not being able to run after being injured.
to stay in the physical pains.
to stay home, instead of wandering away for another weekend.
to stay with a tedious project i would rather not do.
to stay present to all of it.
to stay engaged.


it's clear to me that i experienced staying to be in the context of some discomfort. this makes complete sense to me since i don't like to be in uncomfortable situations. but what took me by surprise was that i actually have a harder time staying with the feeling of joy. 


because when life was as good as it's been this year, i convinced my mind that it's easier to imagine that what is good, would come to an end. in the latter part of this year, i found myself imagining tragic scenarios unfolding while driving home, riding my bike, running, walking, sitting, lying like a vegetable -- anything really. i felt less vulnerable this way.


"joy is as thorny and sharp as any of the dark emotions. to love someone fiercely, to believe in something with your whole heart, to celebrate a fleeting moment in time, to fully engage in a life that doesn't come with guarantees - these are risks that involve vulnerability and often pain. when we lose our tolerance for discomfort, we lose joy." -brene brown, the gifts of imperfection


"until we can tolerate vulnerability and transform it into gratitude, intense feelings of love will often bring up the fear or loss." -brene brown, the gifts of imperfection


but...


"joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are." -marianne williamson


a year ago today, when i wrote about the then unknown theme of stay, i didn't know that when i stayed in all of it: the muck, the delight, the sorrow, the thrill, the happiness, the ordinary... that i would find a deeper capacity for sorrow, gratitude and joy, and therefore a deeper connection with people and with God. 


it's been a profound year of growth. and i look forward to another year of expansion. another year of staying. i hope the same for you too. 


*a dear friend also wrote about her 2011 reflections, and i would highly recommend giving it a read. her honesty and vulnerability are moving. 

friday morning thots | 8.12.11

stirring around in my noggin, in the flesh & the most invisibly visible places:

• bike camping again this weekend. 3xs in one month = a very surprised me!
• 63 assisted pull ups and zercher squats has made me one very sore girl.
• i feel like a wild bird in this exact moment! 
• what does kindness look like? 
• failure is not fatal. but GEEZ, sometimes it just feels so miserable!
• "ordinary courage is about putting our vulnerability on the line." brene brown
• "tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" mary oliver
• i am so grateful. so so grateful. 

happy friday!

(if you remember, tonight is the perseid meteor shower. get up high and stay up late. if you miss it, at least enjoy the almost full moon. (full moon is 8/13, fyi.))

friday morning thots | 6.10.11

• the outpour of love i've received this week is inspiring. (thank you dear friends for your support.)
• i took a stroll that was so damn slow, that i caused local neighborhood traffic. (thank you back injury)
• we all walk our own path. (thank you amy rainbow)
• amidst uncertainty, there is certainty. certainty that i'm loved and that i love.
• journey, values, process...not outcome. 
• letting go is like an onion. (it'll make you cry.) ;-P 
• trust intuition. trust instinct. trust yourself. 
• keep choosing vulnerability. (thank you brene brown)
• let my yes, be a YES YES YES! (thank you henri cartier-bresson)
• bike lanes (thank you josh)
• i saw an egg being laid yesterday!!!! wow-O (thank you pearl)
• are we ever really starting over? or are we just starting a new iteration? 
• lean into the steep climb, lean deeply in... (thank you windy hill osp)

and an excerpt by the beloved thomas merton, quoted in why not be a mystic by frank tuoti: 

Whether you understand or not, God loves you, is present to you, lives in you, calls you, saves you and offers you an understanding and light which are like nothing you ever found in books or sermons.... If you dare to penetrate your own silence...and risk the sharing of that silence with the lonely other who seeks God through and with you, then you will recover the light and the capacity to understand what is beyond words.... It is the intimate union...of God's spirit and your own inmost self, so that you and God are, in all truth, one.

vulnerability.

brene brown posted something today that i want to respond to: what is vulnerability? for me, right now, 
vulnerability is:

• letting go
• letting something in, being open to being changed
• acceptance
• taking a chance
• strength
• saying yes to the process
• learning without judgement
• experiencing grace and compassion
• just being

vulnerability feels like:

• craziness. hahaha
• anxiety and insecurity
• needing to be busy doing
• loneliness
• courage.

riding the wave of vulnerability is tumultuous; it totally brings out my insecurities. but once the sediments finally settle and i can see clearly again, i sense the depth of peace and joy that comes from choosing the very thing that makes me come undone. it's only after i ride the wave to shore that i can see how far it's brought me. meanwhile, the ride is both exhilarating and reason to be super aware & present, with both feet planted.