talk about vulnerable.

these artists were creating their art in front of hundreds of people:

observers.
critics.
potential buyers.
lovers.
haters.
friends.
strangers.
fellow artists.

i went to southern exposure's annual monster drawing rally on friday night and thoroughly enjoyed time spent there. two things struck me: 1\the artists' courage and vulnerability and 2\the eclectic monotony of hipster culture.

inspired.
definitely inspired.

why? b/c one of my goals/hopes for 2009 is to have a small photography show. i even have a venue in mind. it's the local philz coffee that opened up a few blocks from my house. i met phil a short while ago, and he has a wall where he features artists' work.

i suppose this means i should probably start working on something, right? ... . ... ..

i hope i have enough courage to be like the hipster artists i saw lay our pieces of their hearts on friday night.

on longing.

it has not been easy to watch people run, as i've been waiting for my leg(s) to heal from nasty shin splints. it's been 2 weeks since i saw my doc, when she recommended that i stop running for at least 2 weeks. apparently, i overdid it. (um, i think my 5 mile run + 26 miles cycling one day, and next day 9 mile run pushed my already injured legs over the edge). -- guilty, i know.

tomorrow will be exactly 2 weeks since i was forced to stop b/c of some excruciating pain.
pain & waiting. ugh. (or "ugh" reordered = hug. cute.)

these past couple weeks of not running have opened me up to a couple things:

longing.
learning.
& pain.


on longing.
to long. to wait. to love. all...i believe are the same.
to long is to love.
to wait is to love.
to love is to long. (you get the point).

i don't know if you know. but i hated running before i started last sept. but it's transformed into a love relationship. i now love running, but more, i love what happens when i run. my heart, mind, spirit, & body connect. they sync up in a powerful way and it releases me to be fully engaged. in turn, i can be fully me. running makes me a more honest person. forget the pretenses...i am who i am and i love it.

on learning.
i started swimming.

here's a story: one summer during junior high, i swam so much, my hair turned incredibly light brown with blond streaks. i had become part fish (and apparently, part white).

but, my fins are now gone, i'm fully korean again, and my love for swimming eventually got denied and with the awkwardness and dislike of my changing body that comes as a young pubescent girl. that feeling never really went away. but now, i say...what the hey! hey! so i'm back in the pool and loving it! my form is not so good and my swimming economy seems unjust (much like the US), but I hope to bring change (much like Obama). ;-)

no, i won't be posting any pics of me swimming anytime (ever), but mm... would you want to see my cool-dorky goggles? and i KNOW i look like a big dork-a-tron. next up is a swimming cap. (at least i'll look the part, even if i can't play it).

on pain.
listen to your body. when it tells you it's hurting, there's a reason for it. our body's are beautiful, intelligent, and amazing. it's smarter than our mind's might like to think and convincing oneself that "the pain is ok" is a foolish thing. take it from this foolish girl that pounded away and could barely walk before finally pausing and considering that i might be seriously injured.

so why would you want to know any, or all, of this anyway?
because! tomorrow... i'm running for the first time in 2 weeks. a light 3 mile run on dirt. that's what i'm hoping for. i know it will be just as it should be - rainy, muddy, & perfect.

my heart is glad. <3

sometimes...

we just need to put ourselves out there.

i am bad at hip hop. i mean...my body was just not built to move like some folks. so, i decided to take a free hip hop class, offered by nami lofland -- who is a ball of energy and passionate about dance.

let me tell you, i suck at choreography so trying to memorize a routine where i have to move my body in unfamiliar ways is just embarrassing. (and i did mention that i'm bad at hip hop, right?) i think i tend to look like a stiff board trying to pop it and lock it and rock it and sha-bop it, but i just don't got what bon qui qui got (at the end of the clip).

but, what i learned in doing something i'm bad at was this:
1. it's vital to be able to laugh at ourselves
2. it helps us to either become humble or remain humble
3. it challenges us to still give it our best, even if our best sucks
4. it provides opportunity to appreciate others' gifts and talents
5. it creates a sense of openness to learn

so, with that....um. yeah. uhhh.. .. . i want to share a little video clip of me. .... dancing! (i'm squirming right now). it's just a little sharing of a little me doing a little something that's helped bring me more awareness. by all means, this is not anything to show off. (i didn't even know it was being recorded!)

i'm sharing this so that TODAY, maybe you'd be inspired to:
*do something unexpected or out of your norm;
*do something that you're really bad at, and that you'd laugh at yourself while doing it;
*appreciate someone around you for their talent and go up them and tell them with a BIG smile
*"unlock [your] body and move [your]self to dance" (thanks wilco)

on food consumption

i've been thinking a lot about food consumption recently.

if you know me, you know i LOVE food.

i love it.
i love it.
i love it (!)

but, i know that i indulge in ways that i don't need to, especially when considering the needs of all the people in this world. and yet, when i let my belly (aka "baby") get to the point of sheer hunger, i get so self-focused that i can only think about getting something into my mouth. i can't even concentrate on a conversation. (and that concerns me).

my point is that my relationship to food is often evolving. it went from an unhealthy relationship of overconsumption to what i believe is a much more understanding friendship. and as i've observed and talked to people about eating (and choices they make around eating), it's clear to me that most people have somewhat of a dysfunctional relationship or miseducated view of food. me included.

it's not just about food though; it's about holistic health.

there is a disconnect between mind.body.heart.soul. there's a hurt. there's something painful that food has become the medicine for. whether it be a small alleviation of an emotional sadness or a major means of avoidance and denial, food seems to be a source of pseudo healing.

what's scarier is that it doesn't just happen on an individual level; it also happens on a corporate level. and that's where "more developed" countries - especially the U.S. - literally starve others in this world. ... ..in the pursuit of alleviating whatever hurt it is we're feeling, greed, power....etc. and as a sad result, we here die of obesity (and related diseases) while others die of malnutrition and hunger. what does this say about us?

i've been thinking more about food consumption because of a couple reasons:
A) I'm wrestling with what it means to live in abundance amid a hungry world.
B) I'm trying to consume more protein, and this has raised questions of my meat intake.
C) I'm trying to live simply; and that for me, ties in with not just how i live, but also how i eat.

and asking myself a few questions:
how do i find a balance of getting the nutrients i need and incorporating redistributing nutrients that my global (and local) neighbors need?
what role will i take?
how do i get creative with how and what i eat?
how might i support local growers w/o maxing out my budget?
what in my heart needs to change, to gain clearer perspective and to respond to the need?
what does it look like to authentically love people in this context?

sometimes what i see isn't quite reality...

especially when my trainer gives my what-i-thought-was-quite-tone biceps a gentle squeeze and laughs. *cough* ..ouch....

i started seeing my personal trainer in november because i wanted to get stronger and finally venture into the parts of the gym that intimidate the hell out of me. (it's where all of the very giant-muscled beef heads hang out). it's hard to believe that it was exactly a year ago that i first walked into the gym, and that a year later, i'm pumping my 40-lb bar alongside the guys pressing 200+lbs. lol.

my approach towards physical activity has changed completely. i feel like i need it everyday now, whereas before, i was fine mosying along each day mostly sedentary. i had even come to a point where after taking spinning and kickboxing classes, and running a lot, i needed some more focused attention.

that's why my co-worker julie and i decided to sign up together -- to save some money and have a workout buddy who has to suffer just as much as the other. (that's really why i signed up). :-P since then, it's been a very steady journey. i must say, building muscles and sculpting the human body takes a lot more intention, precision, and time than i had expected. i've been learning how to work hard and patiently wait to see any little bit of results.

and i was starting to feel too proud of the little sculpting i had done in the last couple months. so, undoubtedly, it was helpful to have my trainer pop my ego today. talk about sobering.

my goal?
a tone body, more strength, and better endurance (for running). and once and for all, can i just lose the baby? (baby is the name of my belly; and no... i don't name everything).

tell me:
are you physically active? if so, what's your favorite way to get moving? if not, what keeps you?

a gentle revolution is here.

this blog is shifting.

i hope to make it richer in it's focus. reflect the ongoings of life around me. be a source of ideas and inspiration....in a new-&-old sort of way. & lastly, that it could become a place where WE, yes! you-and-i-and-you-and-you-and-yes-you!, interact and bounce ideas and share!

the values listed below reflect some of what's been stirring inside of me for years, but even more acutely in the last several months. most recently, i've been inspired by shane claiborne's book irresistible revolution. i highly recommend giving it a read...and thoughtfully acting on it.

...
dream.
be open.
live simply.
give generously.
love sacrificially.
pursue holistic health. *new *
practice transparency.
imaginatively disarm evil.
do something unexpected. (everyday!)
...

in 2009, i'm going to focus my blog posts on how i want to and actually do live out these values.
it'll be a dynamic process, and i'm excited to share this journey with you as well as learn from and be inspired by you.

(and don't worry....i still plan to incorporate photography)

;-)