30 going on 13.

in 13 days, i'll be wed. 
omygod. 

30 year old me, is getting married. the day i thought would've happened four years ago, has finally arrived. (let me just say that i am so grateful that reality doesn't follow the plans i mapped out during my immature 18th year of life. bo--ring!)

you might assume that i'd be really excited b/c the sun's shining, birds are chirping, and life is just dandy! i'm getting married, wheeeeee! right?

today, i barely woke up at 9:30 and mostly just felt bad. why? i couldn't figure it out for the first two hours of the morning when i laid in bed and finally murdered level 29 of candy crush. (it's taken probably over 40 tries to pass that level w/o any aid!)

but it started hitting me while i was on the phone with my oldest sister. i am really sad. as excited as i am to commit my life to my beloved, each day leads me closer to saying goodbye and closing this chapter of my single life. it's been an amazing 30 years of being my free bird self. but i think what's been striking me most is saying goodbye to viewing my family of origin as #1. they have been my family. they have been my priority. but with marriage, it's creating a new family. one where i choose my husband to be #1.

i know that getting married doesn't mean i am abandoning my family of origin or vice versa, but there is a real internal shift that's happening. i feel it. it seems good and natural for this to happen, but inherent in this shift is grief. 

amidst all this, this quote is really speaking to me today. it's comforting.

"deep commitment brings deep healing, and deep healing brings deep generosity. commitment allows us to take the lids off the jars that are our lives, and helps us to embrace drastic changes." 
-marjory bankson

i hope to get to a place of deep generosity, over and over. 

to be right here.

as much as we'd like to believe in our permanence in this incredibly fickle world, we need to remember that we only have this moment. right here, right now.

give generously.
love without bounds.
thank people for all the little things.
take risks every.single.day.
give your utmost attention to the person in front of you.
make sure people know you love them.
cry when you need to cry. laugh when you need to laugh.
feel all your emotions.
believe.
pour yourself out.
live like you are beloved...because you are.

grand canyon // a spirit of generosity

it followed each of us there.
and it manifested each day.
and it multiplied the longer we were together.

i saw it uniquely in each individual,
but ajuhshee's generosity struck a deep chord.
the way he would put on his 45+lb pack, and
as soon as someone would ask for something,
he wouldn't hesitate to take it pack off and get it for them.
the way he would cook, wash the dishes, and serve the group.
his willingness to be the sweeper, and move at the rate of our last member
to make sure we were all well.

how could i not be moved by the beauty of his quiet actions?
unassuming, humble...a grounded-in-love kind of servant.
i unmistakably experienced a reflection of jesus.

and i am changed by it.

kauai 2009 :: hitchhiking

it's a way of life in kauai.
i decided not to rent a car during my stay. i just figured it would work out alright w/o one. so, hitch hiking became my way. i did it almost everyday, multiple times in a given day to get to where i wanted to go.

let me tell you, i met SO MANY PEOPLE while hitch hiking.
the picker-uppers came in all shapes, colors, smells, sizes... but one thing definitely characterized all of them: what it told me about the people.

take jeffrey (above) for example.
it's sunday morning... 8am. i decided to check out calvary chapel kauai, but didn't know if anyone was even awake to give me a ride. who knew what the traffic would be like out at the princeville bus stop? so i put my intention out there and decided i would catch a ride if i was meant to go.

i stood by the stop w/ my muddy red feet, backpack in tow and stuck my thumb out.
jeffrey was probably the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd car that came my way who pulled over to give me a ride. he said he pulled over because he wondered what the heck i was doing out there.

he drove and we chatted away while heading south about 20 miles to kapa'a. on the way, i asked him about the "secret" waterfall in kilauea and how i might find it. so, he asks if i want to see the lighthouse. (lol, i'm pretty sure there was some connection as to why it went from waterfalls to the lighthouse & the transition wasn't as abrupt as i just described it.) jeffrey busts a U in his minivan and we head into the town. he gives me a little tour, i take some photos, and take that picture of him. (he looked so masculine with the morning light shining overhead above the hills.) anyway, he chat more about family, life, etc and he takes me the rest of the way. then we depart ways after a meaningful life exchange.

what strikes me about hitch hiking in kauai ::
1. how open & trusting people are.
sure, i don't have bloody fangs coming out of my mouth nor was i holding some large weapon, but even if i did, i think someone would still give me a ride. (fine. this is a stretch.)

2. they go out of their way to help another person.
they are not so scheduled and driven that they "drive by" opportunities to help (yes, pun intended). by default, people create space in their lives to do these things....and so it's not "out of their way" type of activity, it's "a way of life" activity.

i want that.
i want my way of life to be about slowing down, creating space, and letting generosity flow.
i want to pick up those thumb-sticker-outter-liz's on random 8am sunday mornings.