30 going on 13.

in 13 days, i'll be wed. 
omygod. 

30 year old me, is getting married. the day i thought would've happened four years ago, has finally arrived. (let me just say that i am so grateful that reality doesn't follow the plans i mapped out during my immature 18th year of life. bo--ring!)

you might assume that i'd be really excited b/c the sun's shining, birds are chirping, and life is just dandy! i'm getting married, wheeeeee! right?

today, i barely woke up at 9:30 and mostly just felt bad. why? i couldn't figure it out for the first two hours of the morning when i laid in bed and finally murdered level 29 of candy crush. (it's taken probably over 40 tries to pass that level w/o any aid!)

but it started hitting me while i was on the phone with my oldest sister. i am really sad. as excited as i am to commit my life to my beloved, each day leads me closer to saying goodbye and closing this chapter of my single life. it's been an amazing 30 years of being my free bird self. but i think what's been striking me most is saying goodbye to viewing my family of origin as #1. they have been my family. they have been my priority. but with marriage, it's creating a new family. one where i choose my husband to be #1.

i know that getting married doesn't mean i am abandoning my family of origin or vice versa, but there is a real internal shift that's happening. i feel it. it seems good and natural for this to happen, but inherent in this shift is grief. 

amidst all this, this quote is really speaking to me today. it's comforting.

"deep commitment brings deep healing, and deep healing brings deep generosity. commitment allows us to take the lids off the jars that are our lives, and helps us to embrace drastic changes." 
-marjory bankson

i hope to get to a place of deep generosity, over and over.