to arcata & back.

i couldn't stop.

i just couldn't.

at 5:15am on friday morning, my alarm clock notified me that it was time to get up. i needed to pack a couple pb&j's, get my camelback ready, and take my friend to the airport. since i was heading north, i had planned on spending the day on mt. tam roaming the trails and giving myself plenty of space to be. i've been needing a lot of blank space these days, as my heart's been feeling heavy.

but, a weird thing happened. mt. tam came and went and i had no inclination to stop. so i drove north through sebastopol, headed east through grueneville, hit the coast and took the windy hwy 1 up to arcata. 

i couldn't stop. 

i just couldn't.

once i got up there, i found a friendly co-op where i asked for directions & purchased some figs and a large quantity of my new favorite grain, farro. after this pit stop, i knew it was time to turn back south. so i drove until my body hit its sleepy wall. at 10pm, i rolled onto a random street in cloverdale, and slept until my trusty 5:15am alarm awoke me again. it was still dark, which gave me enough time to make it back to sf in time for an incredible sunrise at hendrik point, which sits just before the golden gate bridge, heading southbound. the hill felt still and the air had just the right amount of morning chilliness without it being distractingly cold. 

i felt a deep soul serenity while standing there, and i felt a clarity in my kardia. i'm not describing the kind of clarity that comes with being able to articulate something well. instead, it was the kind of clarity that brings with it a sense of mysterious inexplicable peace. i just knew in my heart that something had passed. i knew in my heart that the months of process and struggle and staying present to discomfort had finally come to its end (at least for this iteration).

i drove away from home, wanting to get away from everything...but found that peace came to me on my journey back home.  it only took 661 miles. :) 

mystery.

it the moment, we may never know why we make the choices we do, why we experience what we experience, why someone chooses to engage with us the way they do, or even why we feel a certain way.... and maybe we never will. 

but what i am learning is that regardless of ever understanding or knowing the answer to the "why's," the duly important process is to stay engaged and to stay true to one's Heart of hearts (kardía) in our journey. kardia will guide us to what's really important; there God dwells.

i believe that one day - likely not in this lifetime - we will come to know the why's. and when we finally arrive at that point where our unknowns become known....it won't even matter. so why do you think it matters so much now?