5-month interview with mama Liz

I know. Already 5 months. I can't believe it either. 

1. Big question: How is your mental health? 
Well my mood seems certainly a lot better these days. I was just telling my sister that I feel better than I did even 1.5 months ago, but I still don't feel like my best self. I know this because I find myself still being quite critical and judgmental. I don't like admitting it, but it's the truth. When I'm doing really well, I'm accepting and non-judgmental. I laugh a lot and genuinely enjoy the moment regardless of how it's going. I know I'm not there yet, but I think I'll discover what it means to be a new "best" version of myself as a mom. [Side note: It's still weird to say that I'm a mom. But below is proof, I guess, that this baby is mine. He lets me wear him around and feed him...and munch on him as much as I want.]

2. How's Julien sleep affecting you these days? 
He was, amazingly, sleeping around 6:45pm and waking up around 6:45am with one middle of the night feeding for about a week this month. BUT, just this past week, he's waking up three times wanting milk! I think he's going through a growth spurt because he visibly looks longer. I have this feeling I'm going to say that he's going through a growth spurt until he's ... 18. lol. (Look at the way he stares into the camera...it's like he knows I'm watching him.)

3. What's been an area of challenge for you, parenting-wise?
At the moment, I think there are three things: 
     (a) Wishing he were at a different stage developmentally. ("Gosh, I wish Julien could sit on his own or _____ on his own.") This has more to do with wanting life to be more convenient for me. 
     (b) When he's clingy, it can get rather annoying. It's hard to enjoy him when he's complaining about not being held in my arms all day. Again, this has to do with my own convenience.
     (c) Wondering if I'm teaching him enough. Often times, I feel sort of insecure that maybe I'm not doing enough for him so he can learn as much as he can right now. Am I reading enough to him? Am I showing him enough new things? Is he getting enough X, Y, Z...? 

4. Now that the weather is getting warmer, what do you do with Julien?
Sometimes, actually often times, I spend the morning inside. I try to prioritize Julien's naps, especially in the first part of the day, and frankly, it takes me a while to wake up. So staying indoors helps me get myself together in the morning. After 2pm, it's a shit-show. If I try to put him down, he might just yell at me for long enough that I throw my hands in the air. I surrender. Then I usually take him outside for a stroll or wear him somewhere to give him a catnap. That seems to help his mood until bedtime.

What I'm actually saying: I do anything and everything I can to create a pleasant day for both of us. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Even adorable puppies can't cure a tired child.

5. I heard you've been on whole30. Why'd you do it anyway? 
Remember my diaper cream around my mouth situation last month? Well, I was so desperate to figure out what was going on with my body that I decided it was time to detox to rule out any foods that could've been irritating my body. The skin flare isn't completely gone yet, but I did do an allergy test and it turns out I'm allergic to soy. That's going to cause a major disruption of the kind of food I eat, especially as a Korean! :-( 

Anyway, whole30 is going pretty well still besides the fact that I still really want to eat a waffle. Ugh, that perfect crispy-fluffiness with maple syrup AND whipped cream. I want to devour it. To my utter surprise, I've been able to abstain. Instead I've been devouring the mint chocolate Rx bars. It's really good and whole30 compliant!

6. People are wondering if you've lost of ton of weight because of whole30, have you? 
Hahahaha. (Who are these people?) I think I lose 1/2 a pound every morning after a poop, which I proceed to gain back with that day's meals. TMI? Too bad. ;-) I'm about 6-7 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight, but whole30 has not contributed to weight loss...to my surprise. I thought I would lose some weight too, but nada. I do feel less bloated which is nice. To be fair, whole30 was not really about weight loss for me (ok, only a tiny bit secretly). 

7.  A lot of women don't really like their postpartum bodies. Do you fit into that camp? 
Daaang, you just went there huh? Fine. Well, almost three years ago, I made a commitment to not complain about my body. Hm. Well if you saw me the other morning looking at my phone in video mode (b/c I swiped one too many times to the right on Facebook)...you would've seen me looking at my neck creases and thinking they look like Julien's and wondering what the heck! Or here's a photo of me covering my neck so it wouldn't look so gigantic in a we-just-woke-up family selfie. Taking this photo actually made me laugh at how ridiculous I was being.

To answer your question, I'm not totally digging my body right now because I still look a little pregnant at times. The 6-7 lbs leftover is pure fat, seriously. Not like I had flat abs before pregnancy, but I duno, I guess I don't prefer having a bulge. Who are these women on the internet who bounce back to flat ab bods? Either they're good at hiding it, a miracle happened, or I'm like...what da what?! I don't get it and honestly, it's not the case for most women. Don't let the internet trick you! 

8. I've heard many moms feel lonely. Do you?
Sure I do. I try to make it a goal to have at least one social interaction each day. It can be facetime/skype, but ideally there's at least one face-to-face interaction. On Fridays, I go hiking with a gal pal and both our kids, so that's mostly guaranteed. The other weekdays are a toss-up right now and it really depends on if I take the initiative or not. I really need to take more initiative to get to know people better here. I'll say, it's more challenging to make friends as I get older. It seems I'm a bit pickier and that "instant" connection feels like it rarely happens anymore. Maybe it's because I just don't meet as many people as I did when I was younger so there's less chance of those instant connections. I'm not sure. Do you resonate with this? What do you think it is? (This is us on one of our Friday hikes.)

9. Are there any traits of yours that you think Julien has acquired?
He sneezes like me (3-4xs in a row) with intensity. His farts also sound like mine. No kidding. Obviously he has no self-consciousness about tooting so I hear them all. Sometimes I pause and laugh because I can't believe how uncannily similar ours are. 

10. Well, what do they sound like? 
Satisfying.