4-month interview with mama Liz

1. Have you ever tried to cook and eat your baby?
Why yes. Don't tell. He didn't fit in our Instant Pot even though we got the big 8qt one! Hmph.

2. I heard you might have turned a corner. Is this true? 
YES. It's a small corner, but I feel like something significant shifted inside. I don't feel like I'm drowning anymore...it's more like a treading (which I am horrible at, but I'd rather be struggling to tread than gasping for air).

3. What do you think contributed to this shift?
I have no idea. Maybe because my face isn't a big red itchy balloon anymore (see 3-month interview if you want to know what I'm referring to)? Maybe because Julien is sleeping a teeny bit better? Maybe because we have a better grasp on meals? Maybe because we started DAAAAAYYYYYCAAAAAAAARRREEEEEEE!?!

4. Did you say DAAAAAAAAYYYYYCCAAAAAAAARRRRREEEE????
I sure did! What the heck, how come I didn't realize how amazing it would be to drop my child off somewhere where they would rock him, hold him, feed him, change his poopy diaper, and entertain him all day? I didn't think I'd need daycare because I was going to work from home and it would be all peaceful and I would be blissed out and you know, I wouldn't need any help! lol. You know that's a joke. It's only two days a week, but having j in daycare has been a great source of freedom for lots of reasons.

5. What do you do on those days?
Well, right now I'm learning how fast 9 hours goes. Geez. With pumping multiple times, feeding myself, trying to catch up on a bit of sleep, errands, work, brain-farting, looking at pictures of J...I usually only get a few things crossed off my list.

6. It sounds like you're trying to be really productive.
Yeah, "sounds like" is the operative word here. I feel crazy compelled to be productive, but get overwhelmed with all these to do's because I'm still just freaking tired and trying to catch up with sleep. 

I had a conversation last week with another mom with older kids and it's got me thinking about why I feel like I need to be uber productive. I realized it's because I believe I've fallen behind for the past year from when I got pregnant and ill, and I need to "catch up" to this person I would've been if I hadn't gotten pregnant and had a child, except...I'll never know what I would have or would not have done if my life headed down that path. I think there's this idealized self I keep comparing myself to as well as feeling like I'm just so behind on life, discounting the fact that I'm raising a human being.

7. Well if you had no pressure at all to get anything done, what would your ideal daycare day look like?
I'd sleep in the most carefree way I could. I'd drink a really good cup of coffee and look out the window and stare at the ducks that have migrated to the pond, then maybe fall back asleep under a cozy blanket. Eat nourishing meals. Enjoy a phone call. Go for a bike ride. I'd meander. I'd miss my little guy too.

8. Are you feeling more connected to j these days? 
YES! Finally. It took about 4 months, but I can say with certainty that I'm really loving the guy. The first few months was really about choosing to love him with my body, providing milk, holding him, caring for him practically. But I did not really like the guy from the get-go. He brought me a lot of pain and suffering and it was hard to reconcile that. But this last month, something really shifted inside of me and I'm so grateful that I finally feel affection towards him. I love my little j! :)

(He had fallen asleep on me for two hours. It was very sweet, even though I was stuck on the couch for that time.)

9. Name some things that brought you joy this month!
When j laughed hard for the first time.

Putting diaper cream around my mouth. (Really, I laughed pretty hard when I saw it. The sad face is just to show off how I can make my mouth form an upside U.)

Learning how to prune fruit trees from Santa. 

10. I heard your postpartum hair loss is....going well.
Seriously. Shouldn't postpartum hair loss include the entire body, and not just my head? Holy cow people. Holy cow. I wish my leg hairs would fall off at the rate my head hairs are...I wouldn't need to epilate anymore! Anyhow, I'll end with a shot of my growing forehead/receding hairline (however you prefer to think of it).