Well two of those months were spent reno-ing our in-law unit. It consumed me. I hate renos now. Just kidding. I love em AND hate em. Then this last month, I spent a week in Oregon with dear friends, two weeks trying to cool down in this crazy Montana heatwave and deal with all this emotional stuff that surfaced and then a week with my sister and nieces when they came to visit. I'm glad to finally be catching up with this blog. It feels good to be back.
Yes. Emotional stuff. Like...the deep juicy stuff of life. Like...the stuff that if you don't deal with it, you're screwing yourself over. I don't feel like getting into the details because I'm still in the thick of it, but there have been many tears shed and hours spent playing Angry Birds Pop (this is me in I-don't-want-to-deal mode).
3. Let's talk about something a little lighter then. What's the story with J? What's new with him?
*gushing* Listen, I love my little j. And somehow, my love grows exponentially when he is asleep. Can I get an AMEN mamas? :) He has had MANY new firsts. In just this past month alone, his first tooth broke through (OMG). He went camping for the first time - which means I went camping with a baby for the first time. (Trust me, it was not as easy as outdoor ads make it look. Advertising is such bullshit!) He also started crawling for real for real. At first, he did this really funny leg lift every 2-3 leg movements, but now he's straight up crawling on all fours and moving pretty fast. This has made me very aware of all of the wires we have everywhere and how much I hate the cute wool rug we bought to make our home look all matchy-matchy. The wool gets all over him and I'm pretty sure he'll cough up a wool ball and start licking himself any day now.
4. So you think he's going to turn into a cat?
I guess. He already sounds like one.
5. The previous question wasn't a very good use of one out of the 10 questions you usually answer. Here's a beefier one: What do you think of motherhood now that you're eight months in?
It's just not what I had hoped for. In my mind, I thought we would be adventuring together all the time. Bike riding, camping, backpacking, playing outside often, gardening, me having tons of energy to do all these things + more. (I know, I just posted a bunch of pictures that make it look like we're adventuring all the time. Trust me, we're not. It's really quite boring to look at photos of us not doing much.)
Before having kids, I used to think you just choose to live that kind of life; you just make it happen. In some ways, it's true. I think we all have a choice in how we shape our lives. But, we don't really have a choice in what kind of kid we get, how your birth story will affect you or what kind of experience we'll have postpartum. Most of life is simply out of our control. Ha. I understood that to some level pre-kid, but it's really sinking in deep after having j. I think motherhood gives me so many opportunities to truly go with the flow. It makes me step back and stop forcing my will on the situation. Like right now...my dining room has this morning's breakfast still on it, toys strewn around from yesterday, dirty bathroom, baby clothes still sitting in the dryer from two days ago, legs hairs longer than I prefer, and a yard full of weeds and taller-than-I-like grass. There's more, but I'll stop the list there. I think motherhood has made me more aware of myself, my limitations, and my ability to extend further when I don't think I have anything left. It's also made me more clear about my needs and priorities. I know that there's a LOT more I'd like to be doing, but I don't want to sacrifice what I am actually doing with my child or for myself in the moment. Does that even make any sense? I'll stop here because I think I'm rambling now.
6. How have you coped with the mismatch of expectations vs reality?
By playing Angry Birds Pop. :-P I'm not kidding. Sometimes I like just playing a game on my phone. Please don't judge. On a more productive note, this blog has been helpful to take a moment to reflect. I think sharing photos and the fuller story behind the photo on instagram has been a good outlet too. The overall theme though is just trying to keep it real, not justifying anything but being honest with myself about what's up. (E.g. Instead of saying, "Yeah, it's not what I expected, but it's still all good," it's helpful to admit, "Gosh, this was totally not what I was expecting! That's disappointing.") I think fully expressing myself has opened up pathways to figure out how to make the best of my new reality without dismissing myself.
7. What are you proud of as a mom?
*blushing* Well that question makes me a little bashful about answering, but let me give it a try. [pause while I think] I'm proud of trying my best.
8. I heard you re-started crossfit. Does your body feel different?
When I do something high-impact like running, my body feels every bounce in my knee joints. It feels heavy and the weight distributed all funny. Also, this week, I did some deadlifts and afterward felt a tiny bit of soreness around my cesarean scar. But the neat thing is that I still feel like I have a good amount of strength in me. I didn't lose it all when I was a sick vegetable laying in bed all day during pregnancy and then postpartum! I think it helped to do birthfit prior to rejoining the normal crossfit gym. I probably would've otherwise hurt myself by jumping right back in.
9. Didn't you used to run a website for beginner backpackers? What ever happened to that?
I sure did/do. It's called Snowqueen & Scout and I haven't touched that since April of 2016. When I fell ill during pregnancy, I had absolutely no energy to pursue that. I simply didn't care about supporting women to go backpacking. I mean, I cared on a fundamental level, but not enough to spend what little energy I had to create content. I was trying to stay alive. (Sorry ladies!) And after the baby, well....that lack of energy got even worse. I wasn't nauseous and vomiting all day, but I was physically beat up and emotionally wrecked. And now, sometimes I want to pick it back up, but I feel like I'm still just barely staying afloat with all that I have in front of me - namely my baby, husband, friends/family, and the house. I think one day I may pick it back up, but the outdoor industry is so completely saturated with all these things focused on women lately, that I'm feeling turned off by the industry as well. I won't go into that rant here, but I do have some icky feelings I haven't been able to shake about a kind of fad focused on marketing to women and people of color. It feels exploitative. But that's for another day.
10. I don't have anymore questions for you. Will you just post some fun pics to scroll through?
Sure. :)
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I like reading your interviews, friend. :) And I just love what you said about doing your best. Reminds me of this graphic novel I just read that I think you would also appreciate, "The Best We Could Do" by Thi Bui. It's about motherhood, her family's journey from Vietnam, intergenerational relationships etc. Her title though, I've been thinking about it a ton, that my best is all I can do... Anyway, love seeing baby J, and especially his bike helmet picture!
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