the wilderness. part iii. / friday morning thots.

i've been trying to work out why the trip into ventana was riddled in so much fear, and how i dealt with that fear. honestly, i have not been that scared in a really long time. i can't even remember the last time. the thing is that i wasn't in serious harm (at least not day one. day two was definitely more precarious). it was when my mind started panicking that i suddenly couldn't see straight anymore.

and once i started spiraling, i had only a few moments of mental rest before the fear would take over again. that's when i think having a voice of reason - a friendly voice - would've been helpful & calming. to hear something like..."liz, it's ok. we're not sure where we are, but we are still on this trail. it's overgrown and hard to see, but we're together. let's figure it out together."

*sigh

yielding to fear.
when we yield to fear, the fog can get thick, the colors stained, the view blurry.
we can easily get lost in what seems a certain way, but is in actuality something very different. this doesn't mean that you won't arrive at your destination, it just might be that the journey will be filled with (an unnecessary amount of) challenge/resistance. & sometimes it means missing the destination all together. mine was a bit of both.

curiosity as motivator.
what still surprises me is that curiosity is one of my major motivators. i had my mind set on something and i had to see it through. this time, it meant that i had to experience the tassajara hot springs (even though i ultimately could not find it).

i remember last year routing out a 25 mile run and finishing it, even when i had very raw moments when i said to myself (sometimes audibly), "i'm so fucking tired! i can't do this anymore!!!!" but, i would keep going.

i'm so curious to know if i can do "it".
i'm curious to see things i've never seen.
i'm curious to experience what i have yet to experience.

curiosity helps me navigate through fear.

i hope that the next time i am faced with fear, the fog clears more quickly and that i can see that all it is....is a big wall of nothing. i do not want to yield to fear anymore. (it scares the shit out of me! lol. plus, i think i'm ready for another adventure!) :)