Tuesday, January 7, 2014

resisting much needed fallowness.

the garage heater is humming downstairs, working desperately hard to heat up the cold garage. (we are trying to dry out the carpet that got wet from the melted snow dragged in by buddy's giant tires.) otherwise, it's completely silent from where i sit. i'm upstairs in our new temporary home, on the L-shaped deep purple couch, my legs crossed and extended. the windows overlook the madison valley, and the peaks of the mountains are still hidden by the cold cloud cover from morning. it's half past 3pm already, and i'm still in my pajamas, blanket wrapped around my shoulders. i've only been up for five hours since i stayed up past 1am to watch the season premiere of downton abbey. ; ) 

since january 3rd, i haven't known what time it's been when my eyes first open. i just wake up when i wake up these days. sometimes the bright sun light will beckon me to rise. sometimes (like today), it's dark and cloudy and sleeping until 10:30am doesn't bother me like it used to when i'd "sleep in" until 9am. 

my husband went into town to run a few errands: make copies of keys (which we hardly use), go to the local meat shop, sign up for a gym, and return library dvd's and donate a book i finally finished (ender's shadow, in the slim chance you were wondering). mostly though, i think he was excited to just roam around our new one block town and have some alone time. me too (about the alone time). i've been wanting to be quiet and think...

why am i painting this scene?
well, because i'm reflecting on fallowness today while simultaneously sitting in a large L-shaped couch of discomfort. the discomfort that comes with not feeling like i'm being a productive member of society.

this morning's quote from inward/outward triggered the externalization of my deeper internal jumble:

There is a fallow time for the spirit when the soil is barren…. Face it! Then resolutely dig out dead roots, clear the ground, … work out new designs by dreaming daring dreams and great and creative planning. The time is not wasted. The time of fallowness is a time of rest and restoration, of filling up and replenishing. It is the moment when the meaning of all things can be searched out, tracked down, and made to yield the secret of living. Thank God for the fallow time! 
Howard Thurman

2014 is a sabbatical year for me and my husband. we've moved to ennis to S-L--O---W D---O--W-N and let the dirt settle in our lives, our minds, and most importantly, our hearts. and as much as i know and believe that this is the best decision for us right now, i keep wanting to kick the dirt around; to unsettle the soul because some part of me can't seem to stand still. i need to keep doingdoingdoing and searching for external achievements. it make sense: i have an ego (ha!) and i've been flowing down a fast river for some time now. it's not easy to just bring that much energy to an abrupt halt and to accept myself just as i am, not for what i accomplish.

but i feel the mountains that surround me are calling out to me to settle down, to calm my mind, and to accept (and love) just being. i came here to create a huge wide open space to allow what needs to emerge, emerge. and i predict that the mountains are what will call out "great and creative planning" and "daring dreams" for this life ahead. but first, i need to stop playing with the dirt and let my fallow time be fallow.

it's now a quarter past 4pm. the mountain peaks have finally emerged. i too shall wait (hopefully patiently) for the clouds to clear...


  1. perfecto!!! sounds like an amazing time. enjoy all this year has to offer you and worry less about what you have to offer.

  2. You're very good at the getting there. That's a well developed, very sleek muscle you have. Now it's time for the staying there. ; ) A quiet little muscle that hasn't seen a ton of action although to be fair to it, you have been exercising it more and more these last few years. Staying there muscles are like core muscles. You can't tell very easily that they are getting stronger until you recognize that your posture is better, that all the other parts of your body ache less, that you can go farther with less injury. Here's some enneagram wisdom for you - stagnation for a 7 is what focus looks like for a 5. Besides - you're good at marathons and endurance. You'll rise to the challenge. I have complete confidence in your ability to learn how to do nothing and be the better for it. : )


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