not knowing.

sometimes i just don't know.
actually, i often don't know.
even though i want to know so badly.

be it.... someone's reaction to what i have to say, new projects in 2011, what i'll be like 7 years from now (when i'm 35!), how the world will recover from the injustices we cause today, what happened to my grandma when she passed away, if my sister's unborn baby will be healthy and disease free, what kind of effect today's choices will make....i just don't know.

these days, i find myself intrigued by the mystery of not knowing. & when i find myself there, i've noticed that a sense of peace circulates inside. i find that i'm both more curious & more settled.

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on saturday, i met some fascinating people. you know.....those people that leave a mark on your heart. we had a rich conversation over spaghetti & garlicky-garlic bread, that was quite esoteric in nature, yet still inviting. this quote was mentioned, and it's been feeding the "not knowing" dialogue in my head this past week:

"I came out of seminary in 1970 thinking that my job was to have an answer for every question...What I've learned is that not-knowing and often not even needing to know is a deeper way of knowing and a deeper form of compassion.

That's why all great traditions teach some form of contemplation, because it is actually a different form of knowledge that emerges inside of the "cloud of unknowing." It is a refusal to eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, and finding freedom, grace, and comfort in the not needing to know, which ironically opens us up to a much deeper consciousness that we would call the mind of God. That's because our small and lesser self is finally out of the way."
- Rohr, Things Hidden

maybe the not knowing is me finally admitting (& accepting) that perhaps not knowing is actually the best place to be. it's in this posture, that i can make enough room for god to be god.