month 6: learning to undo 31 years

i guess it was inevitable.
our biggest conflict to date happened this month.

ouch. 

it hurts to fight with you, lovey.
but it hurts more to close my heart towards you. 

there i was: feeling annoyed and self-protective, withholding an open heart.

why? because i felt hurt by a flippant, insensitive remark you made during a particularly vulnerable time. you already know this because i told you during our two-day conflict resolution process. i just wouldn't let it go. i tried, but my ego refused. i could literally hear you telling me that you were hurting, but i refused to hear it with my heart.

it only took me saying a "flippant, insensitive remark...during a particularly vulnerable time" for me to get it. what a humbling moment. ugh. this is my humanity in full force. 31 years of living a life that's about MEmeMeMEmeMe! and now, i get the opportunity to unlearn that M.O. each day i'm with you. lucky me.  

no really, lucky me...

i get to practice with you. you gracious, generous, and kind man. my beloved husband. always receiving me with open arms. like this time. : ) 

tonight, i'm remembering our vows and what i said to you six months ago:

"in our marriage, i commit to love and accept you exactly as you are, as you've shown me. ... but most of all, i commit to being fully myself with you. to be honest, vulnerable, and open with you always."

i'd like to try it again & again & again. to be honest, vulnerable and open. i've heard "practice makes permanent." i'll keep practicing. hehe. 

in other news...i want to remember a few things about month six:
this month was the first time we've been apart for six days! you got to live bachelor life and cook delicious meals, eat two dozen cookies, and sit around in your underwear with no one to have to share your cashew nut butter cookies with. i LOVED that you had space to create, and i really hope i can help foster that spirit in you (excluding the cookie monster spirit). 

we also took our inaugural bike ride of 2014! 26 miles of pure montana glory! monster hills and all. it was beautiful to imagine what this spring would hold with you along the pacific coast. i'm both scared and thrilled to adventure with you!

look! you're working on your comics. humor requires a lot of seriousness. 

stop it. too cute.

your favorite new animal. can't believe bison took the ranks above ralph, ralph, ralph, ralph, and ralph.  

lookin handsome. rar.

what a life huh? *le sigh*

loving you a little more each day,
your korean [in russian please] kaka bird

month 5: not-so-normal normal

you. 
my love. 
you. 

i feel like my life is full of adventure with you. and i felt like we reached more of a "normal" this month. it was really nice to connect with you this way since our marriage has been full of the new since it started five months ago. i'm appreciating the somewhat "normalizing" of life. (i use that term loosely, since "normal" doesn't usually include dog sledding, epic snow shoeing, and driving on treacherous highways.)

when i think back on this month, i don't have much to say...except betee-bbeety-boo-loo-bop-boppity-bop bop. and that i adore you! when i look at you, i think to myself, "wow. i am such a lucky girl." you help my heart expand.

thanks for fixing dinner tonight.

love, 
your kaka-bird

ps. ARRRR RAAARRRAAARHHRAA AAAAR

zero waste home adventures: around the house

my husband has been an true support in my (sometimes ocd) zero waste (zw) adventure. he pokes fun at me when i'm being neurotic and genuinely asks about what to do in a possible wasteful situations. obviously adopting a zw lifestyle can't be done alone in a household or everyone involved in said household would go crazy. but here are a few things we've been doing together:

• we live out "if it's yellow let it mellow. if it's brown, flush it down."
• we make whatever food we can, instead of buying it prepared/packaged. if it doesn't make sense for us to make it, we buy it in bulk.
• we started an indoor composting system!! we went with bokashi because it takes meat/fats. it's awesome, and the juice is fantastic for our septic tank. win-win!
• we make an effort to eat whatever we have at home before buying more of something we might already have. this isn't always easy because my cravings can be impulsive, and i'll put up a good fight. (poor samuel...)
• we are learning about (and trying to implement) vinegar as the solution to most questions. for example, you can use a 1/2 cup of vinegar in the rinse cycle instead of using dryer sheets. awesome.
• we've eliminated paper towels. we're a towel/linen household now.
• we purchased a few handkerchieves from the vintage store and use that in lieu of tissues.
• we reuse padded envelopes and boxes that have been sent to us (b/c we love receiving love mail from friends!). 
• we tracked down someone who will sell us "pet food" (aka: raw cow milk!) in a jar. now i can make plenty of yogurt and have milk leftover for the baked goods samuel brings home on thursday nights without all the plastic containers! (note: selling privately sourced milk is apparently illegal here. hence the "pet food" label. shhh, don't tell.)

below is all of our non-recyclable trash for the past month, collected in an 8 gallon bag. we just dumped it at the disposal site. i hope our next bag lasts us at least two months! 

small steps towards progress! onward! 

month 4: settling in

ohlove, 

it's wild to think that we've been in montana now for over five weeks, isn't it? and at the same time, it isn't. i remember when we first got here, sheri asked if you were in love with it. you sharply responded with a dismal, "i need more time to determine an opinion." this response was after witnessing the brilliance of the madison valley and being in such a wonderful home for several days. how much more time did you need to fall in love?! it makes me laugh now thinking about this interaction. 

one, because i'm reminded again of how utterly different you and i are, and 
two, because it wasn't anything i could do to convince you to love this place. 

montana will do as it wills. and i can see now that she has slowly persuaded you with her silencing snowfall, piercing peaks, dramatic skies, and her pace. montana is a beauty to behold and you have opened yourself to be seized by her presence, as she has done with me.

we still have little idea of what's unfolding during this year off, but i trust that what's unfolding is better than what we could've dreamt up ourselves. and i'm just glad that we're in it together, especially while cuddling. : ) 

there were a few things i want to remember about this month:

• you said that it seems more likely that we'll be settling down in montana. this totally caught me by surprise and made my heart squeal in glee and fear! (the non-committal part of me is freaked out because i know you don't say things lightly.)
• having the messengers over to romp around in the woods, and then to see those amazing photos they took. wow.
• skiing with you and watching how you just go for those gnarly hills that i've been avoiding. WOW! it's totally inspired me to take more risks on the slopes. 
• you started your blog. i'm so proud of you for putting yourself out there!
• that conflict we had where you lovingly called me out on my shit. it's true, i was being controlling and not creating a space for you to relax and thrive. instead, i was running you over and i don't want to do that. o love... 
• the time you drove us into a snow ditch and we got to witness the miracle of over a dozen angels come and help us out. (and of course, our new spear: courtesy of the metal post we managed to rip in half.)
• our commitment to the artist's way. i'm so grateful that you're enjoying the process and that we've created a sacred space for our creativity to emerge. i'm grateful for a partner in this journey.
• the day you just held me as i cried and cried and cried because i was feeling so lonely. how loving of you to simply be with me through that.

rar!

-your baby dragon

ps. i love you.

zero waste home adventures: let's talk about apparel

i'm embarrassed to tell you how much clothes/shoes/accessories i had before i moved here. good thing i didn't count it all. but to give you a sense of all the crap i excavated from every nook and cranny of my barn loft, here's what i donated on just one occasion of a clothes drop: 50 shirts, 3 jackets, 10 dresses, 12 shoes, 3 bags, 2 luggage bags.

i've said this before, but i prided myself in believing that i lived simply. but when push came to shove, the amount of stuff and waste i accumulated was - simply put - too much. so i got rid of possessions, over and over and over again until i finally came to a stall. too much of this iterative minimizing can cause a kind of mental constipation. it's an exhausting process. when i felt like the amount of apparel had been reduced enough, i packed it all up.

then i moved and counted everything before unpacking it. here's my current list of apparel:

• tops
• 10 casual shirts 
• 5 nice blouses/shirts/sweaters
• 4 tank tops
• 4 dresses
• 3 cardigans
• 3 sleepwear tops
• 2 half zip long sleeve pull overs
• 2 athletic tank tops
• 1 really ragged hoodie sweater (my favorite!)
• total: 34 tops

• bottoms
• 3 jeans
• 3 shorts
• 3 sleepwear bottoms
• 3 other pants
• 2 hiking pants
• 2 workout pants
• 2 running shorts 
• 2 long johns
• 1 snow pants
• 1 skirt
• total: 22 bottoms 

• jackets
• 1 waist length down jacket
• 1 half zip puffy
• 1 rain jacket (also doubles as my snow jacket for snow activities)
• 1 knee length down jacket
• 1 running shell
• 1 cycling shell
• 1 jean jacket
• total: 7 jackets

• intimates
• 12 underwear (i accidentally forgot underwear on a 3 day trip, so bought 2 extra. argh)
• 4 bras
• 3 lingerie
• 3 sports bras
• 1.5 bikini (two bottoms, one top)
• 1 slip
• total: 24.5 intimates

• shoes
• 2 brown leather boots
• 1 running/trail shoes
• 1 crocs
• 1 swing dance shoes
• 1 flip flops
• 1 snow boots
• 1 slippers
• total: 8 pairs of shoes

• accessories
• 10 pairs of socks
• 6 pairs of earrings
• 4 rings (including my wedding band)
• 2 belts
• 2 cold weather beanie/hats
• 2 gloves
• 3 scarves
• 1 bracelet
• 1 neck gaiter
• 1 sun hat
• 1 cap
• 1 messenger bag
• 1 "nice" bag
• 1 pair of sunglasses + case
• total: 36 accessories

• GRAND TOTAL: 132.5 apparel items

this is my first time adding it all up, and geez!! it seems like a lot. 

i'm surprised by: the number of jackets, pairs of socks, underwear, and shirts i own.

when you see this list, what surprises you? 

what's been really interesting to notice in this lifestyle experiment, is to see what i've actually been wearing these past three weeks. it's significantly more casual here in montana, it's actually winter, and my days sway more towards being ready for an adventure than going into an office. also, i haven't touched any of the spring/summer things like my skirt, shorts, and flip flops for obvious reasons. my hope is to get down to ≤100 items by my next culling. until then, hopefully subconsciously, i'll be able to let go of more of my "what if's."

slowly and surely...

zero waste home adventures: waste disposal in rural montana

a few years ago, when i first heard of bea johnson's zero waste home in a sunset article, i was thoroughly impressed and inspired. i started making some changes in my life to reduce waste. i started composting everything i could, thanks to fosth's composting system in the backyard and the county of san mateo's industrial composting program. then, recycled everything else, and finally, threw away what i couldn't compost or recycle. it was pretty amazing. i would throw out my 8 gallon bag of trash every 4-6 weeks, instead of every week or so. in addition to getting my waste down, i made some other decisions to minimize waste: no more paper towels, paper napkins, plastic wrap, ziplock bags, etc. i wasn't extremely strict about this new lifestyle but i did try to live out this intention.

but after a while, i noticed how quickly i turned back to the way of convenience. it was easier for me live in tune with the north american majority culture way of consumption and waste. i didn't like inconveniencing others and the upfront cost of trying to make a full conversion to zero waste.

anyway, fast forward to now: i got married, reduced our lives down to a carload, and moved out to very rural montana with my husband. the operative words being: very rural. 

to prove it, we have become trash collectors. we have to take our trash to a disposal site about 10 miles away, where there is no fancy industrial composting program. in fact, they only take cans, paper/cardboard, recyclable plastics 1 and 2 (of 7) and NO glass! and burying our compost in the (frozen, snow covered) ground isn't really an option, since it'll also entice unwanted critters.

so how do we implement bea's 5 R's (Refuse, Reduce, Reuse, Recycle, Rot) in a place lacking the mindset and resources of the bay area? i'm not sure. but this is what we've resolved for now:

• be okay with using up what we have. the house had a lot of supplies in here already, and we brought a number of things i didn't want to just throw out for the sake of starting fresh. it seemed like a ... well, waste. i wanted to finish using our stuff before moving onto making the transition to "all things bulk" and making our own cleaning solutions. again, not ideal, but i'm coming to terms with it. 
• buy only what we absolutely need. and when we buy it, try returning the packaging before leaving the store. and if we need to order something from amazon, we try to have it all shipped in one box. 
• refuse plastic bags and receipts. we bring our own bags for everything or just carry it in our hands. montana isn't like california where BYOBag is ubiquitous. 
• reuse glass jars. we've collected some jars, brought some with us, and have bought some glass snapware we take to any store we can. our meat guy is currently closed to not using a piece of plastic to weigh and wrap the meat. (i'm gonna try to work some charm on this situation...)
• recycle the rest in gallatin county. since ennis doesn't take recyclables 3-7, we're collecting the rest of our recyclables to do a run in bozeman in a few months. in fact, the state of montana doesn't recycle glass, so we need to take it to a private recycling company.
• buy in bulk. so the ennis grocery store is kinda pricey, not super fresh, and sells almost everything in a package. if we are in a bind, we'll go there. but if we can help it, we will make a trip out to bozeman (60 miles away) and go to town & country foods and the community food co-op to pick up what we'll need for the week. tip 1: community food co-op on 908 w main gives $0.10 off for every jar and bag you use! tip 2: use a sharpie to write on your glass jar if you don't have a crayon like me. it comes off and it saves you from using a sticker or twisty tie.
• reuse the plastic bag that the local tortillas come in. btw: i need a solution for tortilla packaging! 
• return the egg carton to deemo's where we buy meat occasionally and local eggs often.
• be aware. because i'm sorting recycling, collecting compost, and throwing away what we must, i can see how much waste piles up. it helps to just notice...
• rot's not hot. actually, to prevent rotting (and therefore, wildlife scavenging our trash), we freeze all of our compostables until the freezer drawer is full. then we treat it like regular trash. this is not ideal, but it's saved us from having to make a dumpster run for almost two weeks.

even though i'm not confident we can become a zero waste household at this time (season and location), i'm proud of what we've been able to figure out thus far with our limited resources. i just need to remember to not feel defeated when i notice the trash bin getting more and more full and that becoming a zero waste household is slow process of transforming a deeply engrained lifestyle. for now, i'm just trying to remember to take my bags and clunky jars to the store. 

resisting much needed fallowness.

the garage heater is humming downstairs, working desperately hard to heat up the cold garage. (we are trying to dry out the carpet that got wet from the melted snow dragged in by buddy's giant tires.) otherwise, it's completely silent from where i sit. i'm upstairs in our new temporary home, on the L-shaped deep purple couch, my legs crossed and extended. the windows overlook the madison valley, and the peaks of the mountains are still hidden by the cold cloud cover from morning. it's half past 3pm already, and i'm still in my pajamas, blanket wrapped around my shoulders. i've only been up for five hours since i stayed up past 1am to watch the season premiere of downton abbey. ; ) 

since january 3rd, i haven't known what time it's been when my eyes first open. i just wake up when i wake up these days. sometimes the bright sun light will beckon me to rise. sometimes (like today), it's dark and cloudy and sleeping until 10:30am doesn't bother me like it used to when i'd "sleep in" until 9am. 

my husband went into town to run a few errands: make copies of keys (which we hardly use), go to the local meat shop, sign up for a gym, and return library dvd's and donate a book i finally finished (ender's shadow, in the slim chance you were wondering). mostly though, i think he was excited to just roam around our new one block town and have some alone time. me too (about the alone time). i've been wanting to be quiet and think...

why am i painting this scene?

well, because i'm reflecting on fallowness today while simultaneously sitting in a large L-shaped couch of discomfort. the discomfort that comes with not feeling like i'm being a productive member of society.

this morning's quote from inward/outward triggered the externalization of my deeper internal jumble:

There is a fallow time for the spirit when the soil is barren…. Face it! Then resolutely dig out dead roots, clear the ground, … work out new designs by dreaming daring dreams and great and creative planning. The time is not wasted. The time of fallowness is a time of rest and restoration, of filling up and replenishing. It is the moment when the meaning of all things can be searched out, tracked down, and made to yield the secret of living. Thank God for the fallow time! 

Howard Thurman

2014 is a sabbatical year for me and my husband. we've moved to ennis to S-L--O---W D---O--W-N and let the dirt settle in our lives, our minds, and most importantly, our hearts. and as much as i know and believe that this is the best decision for us right now, i keep wanting to kick the dirt around; to unsettle the soul because some part of me can't seem to stand still. i need to keep doingdoingdoing and searching for external achievements. it make sense: i have an ego (ha!) and i've been flowing down a fast river for some time now. it's not easy to just bring that much energy to an abrupt halt and to accept myself just as i am, not for what i accomplish.

but i feel the mountains that surround me are calling out to me to settle down, to calm my mind, and to accept (and love) just being. i came here to create a huge wide open space to allow what needs to emerge, emerge. and i predict that the mountains are what will call out "great and creative planning" and "daring dreams" for this life ahead. but first, i need to stop playing with the dirt and let my fallow time be fallow.

it's now a quarter past 4pm. the mountain peaks have finally emerged. i too shall wait (hopefully patiently) for the clouds to clear...

big news: we're moving & i smell like dried sweat.

i've been avoiding this post for a while.

partly because i've been busy, but mostly because it makes the news so final.

right now, i'm sitting with an empty stomach after my final (and possibly most intense) 6am workout at crossfit palo alto. the damage is called "whitten" and i'll be paying for days. admittedly, it was a great way to end my 2.5 year stint with cfpa......wait, i'm digressing.

this is the post announcing that my husband and i are moving to ennis, montana.

but that's not all. we're not just moving to ennis in the dead of winter! that's just our first step. actually, we're spending 2014 creating a LOT of space to recover from one very intense year. and by "intense," i mean full of major life transition. there was the dying and death of my husband's mother, leaving my beloved workplace of six years, planning a wedding, marriage, and now preparing to move to another state. i'm tired. 

actually, i'm exhausted.

deep in my core, i know this is the right must thing to do. i just know it in my bones. but boy, it's been go go go non-stop to get to a place where we can finish well. 

for us, part of adjusting to being newly married includes a massive purge of our belongings. everything is up for question. our goal is to minimize our stuff down to one carload. (oh, we also sold both our cars and bought a used suv and affectionately named him "buddy." pics to eventually come.) besides a couple boxes of keepsakes per person, we're using inspiration from the 100 things challenge and zero waste home to guide our process of simplifying our lives. the hope with this experiment is that we can live a more thoughtful lifestyle by wasting less. we want to create more space for the really juicy stuff of life (people, experiences, imagination, creation, relishing nature, paying attention, relationships, values, Presence, being, whimsy...) by minimizing the distractions (artifacts that symbolize the "what if's," excessive amounts of clothes...basically, CRAP).

this process ebbs & flows between being emotionally draining and invigorating (mostly the former). it's not common practice for the typical north american household to minimize their belongings. however, it is common to live a life of accumulation. an extra water bottle here, another pair of cute boots there, craft supplies i never used but believed i must have in a moment of inspiration, booksbooksbooks, knicks & knacks. and i prided myself in living simply.... (major ego blow enters here.)

and then there are all those things i collected along the way that symbolize a story. a journey. an adventure. those tiny purple rocks i collected lakeside in glacier national park, that other little rock i carried out from the bob marshall wilderness, the feather i once found on the trail, the shiny yellow rock that stood out among its peers on my first solo backpacking trip.... those things remind me of my fear, and the courage to overcome them. how do i get rid of those things? or do i? (i still haven't decided on those yet.)

for now, all i know is that we're having a massive load of stuff picked up tonight. and the next day, there will still be more to sift through. but with each day, we get closer to a life of material freedom.

we're taking it one day at a time, until we reach the morning of january 1st, 2014 when we hug our dear friends farewell and look at our home one last time before we begin our journey onward.

ps. it's almost 2pm as i wrap this up. and yes, i really do smell like dried sweat. 

i'm going to get my arm bit off!

this wednesday, i'm taking off for a 10 day visit to beloved montana. it's a two part journey:
part 1 includes a 5-day solo backpacking trip in "the bob" (aka: the bob marshall wilderness). 
part 2 will be spent with a beautiful artist (sheri jarvis) and then some roaming around here and there on my own.

i love montana. like, truly truly love it with all my heart. 
this connection to a place can't be explained, it can only be explored over and over again.

the first visit was to helena with new friends, as they recorded an album. (feb 2010)
the second visit was spent with beloved friend, susan. thinking back on that time, it was sooo peaceful and fun! i remember experiencing a heightened sense of beauty and calm. it was overwhelming, in the best way. this was when i also met sheri for the first time. we road horses in the hills, and i borrowed her cowboy boots for the occasion. ;) (july 2011)
the third visit was a road trip from california to montana, so my friends and i could backpack at glacier national park. (it's hard to believe this trip was already almost a year ago! and, i still haven't blogged about it! eep.) (aug 2012)

for this fourth visit, i knew that it would be a solo backpacking trip in the bob, when i talked to sheri last winter. she mentioned it to me, and i instantly had a feeling i should go, and go solo. (july 2013)

i've only gone on overnight solo backpacking trips, never a 5-day trek. i'm scared. and excited. and scared. and scared. and excited. last night, i was having some really intense fears about getting my arm eaten off or having a bear get to my food while i was asleep, or getting lost for days or. . . my mind likes to take me on some wild what if rides. do you know what i mean??

but what i realized about the intensity of fears, was that deep inside, i know i'm supposed to do this. i know it's an important journey that i need to take - alone. it's the space i'm creating to say farewell to a really significant chapter, in order to create space for what's to come. it makes sense that my mind is trying to trick me into thinking i should back out, that i'm "crazy," that perhaps i don't really need to do this. (i mean, i do want to come back with all my appendages after all!)

this intensity of fear is a flag that i need to move forward, lean in, and embrace the challenge ahead. it's not a flag to back off or shy away from the unknown. so...i'm going.

arrival time in bozeman, montana: 11:21am, july 24, 2013.
and the adventure begins.

to be continued upon return...

montana | highlights, the visual version

i don't think i can use words to describe how i feel about these images. so here they are. beloved moments captured from my recent trip to montana - the second of many more...

flight from bozeman to ennis.

i just sat there and let susan push a plane with me in it.

rattlesnake.

the view wasn't too shabby.

walking home.

up close at home.

my room.

bare.

resting at the saddle. 

the high holy 4th of july parade in ennis

virginia city store.

yes.

o sweet jesus. this is one of my favorites.

virginia city post office.

candy making.

textures.

the making of a cake. german chocolate, to be exact

missed the fireworks, but got a bumpy ride instead.

thunderstorm + lightning.

breakfast in dell at calf-a.

red canyon road. yes please!

shop, set up.

prepared for the grizzlies. 

the sun rose.

we finally say hello.

by far, one of my favorites!

we watched everyday as she just sat there in all her majesty, drawing every good thing towards herself.