2017 Review

I thought it'd be fun (and simpler) to structure each month with the same three prompts. There's so much to share and to choose from, but a sampling felt good enough, and good enough is good enough. (I know, deep thoughts.)

[Awkward silence]

Aaaannd, here we go:

JANUARY

1. As a new mother, I felt really good about keeping my baby alive and not diving off the deep end (too often).
2. I learned that I need my family and that they come through in times of need. 
3. Something funny: My oldest sister and her family came to visit and she did this thing called “the walk” to get fussy Julien to calm down. It was hilarious and it worked! I tried it, but couldn't do it as emphatically as she could. 

Luke at 4mo and Julien at 1mo - newborns are....how do you say it....so weird looking.

FEBRUARY

1. As a new mother, I felt really good about contributing the goods to form Julien's rolls (see below).
2. I learned that when I ask for help, help arrives, sometimes from the least expected people. 
3. Something funny: the number of things that were going wrong with my body. Let me remind you with a picture of my balloon face.

 Very edible.

Definitely not edible.

MARCH

1. As a new mother, I felt really good about trusting my need to go to the bay area and be nurtured by some women in my life. (And meeting Anne Lamott, who signed Julien’s leg.)
2. I learned tongue tie is no small deal. Get it dealt with early on. The older the child gets, the more traumatizing it is.
3. Something funny: Julien looking like a minion before his procedure. I was cracking up until they started, and that laugh immediately turned into a look of horror.

This moment reminded me of a glimpse of when I used to be so whimsical and sprightly. I had forgotten about that part of me during my pregnancy and for a lot of his first year. Thank you Annie.

I don't wish this procedure and the one month of "stretching" on any parent. It was horrible.

APRIL

1. As a new mother, I felt really good about starting to like my son.
2. I learned how to prune fruit trees. (Now for many more years to go of trial and error.)
3. Something funny: My diaper cream on my face dayZ.

Love pruning.

So glad my clown days are over.

MAY

1. As a new mother, I felt really good about getting outside as much as possible. It may have been short or longer-ish, but we went outside as often as we could.
2. I learned parents are trying their best with the circumstances they have. (Aka: Sometimes I’m willing to do whatever, to survive the day.) I also learned that I was desperately looking for a sense of connection with others who could relate to my experience(s). 
3. Something funny: When I woke up from being completely knocked out from the flu, I had a new do. It gave me a good laugh despite being painfully ill.

Puppy love /therapy/distraction.

Obviously enjoying the outdoors.

Nothing glamorous. Mama and baby.

Lovely.

:)

JUNE

1. As a new mother, I felt really good about really starting to love my boy.
2. I learned that home renovation is expensive and time-consuming, and it’s really hard to manage with an infant. But, we got our in-law unit up and functioning after a lot of hard work, a fair chunk of money, and of course a few fights. 
3. Something funny: three butts.

I don't think this has ever happened again since, but I passed out with the baby. Don't worry, his face wasn't covered even though it looks like from this angle. (Husband came home and found us like this.)

Love my boy. Love hiking. Love being able to do it together.

We hiked to Holland Lake waterfall. I went there when I was pregnant and it felt significant to be back there with my chunky bubba.

Two butts are exposed, the other is hidden. There's definitely three total.

JULY

1. As a new mother, I felt really good about a couple of firsts: biking together, camping. Also, just walking up to another mom, talking for a bit, and then asking for her number so we could hang out. (We've become good friends since then!)
2. I learned that I have a choice in who I want to show up as in every circumstance. Needed to hear this reminder badly. It changed the way I was showing up in my marriage - from highly critical to more accepting. (I get super critical under stress and husband gets the brunt of it.) 
3. Something funny: When Julien was practicing his rasberries. (Video posted below.)

First bike ride!

Baby really likes camping. You can see it from his expression. Also. Dirt. Everywhere.

He really enjoyed the views at Glacier NP.

AUGUST

1. As a new mother, I felt really good about surviving a month of unhealthy - sometimes hazardous - smoke in the heat of the summer with an infant. (In other words, we were inside a LOT.)
2. I learned a very simple and delicious dressing that I’ve been making and eating since. So good! (Ingredients: fresh basil, olive oil, rice wine vinegar, mustard, salt and pepper)
3. Something funny: Julien's face in one particular frame of a video I took of Julien getting all happy about I have no idea what. (See below.)

Didn't have an extra shirt. Oh well. But that face. Priceless.

We have gotten a thousand laughs from this video and this exact moment.

SEPTEMBER

1. As a new mother, I felt really good about just simply loving my boy. I didn't know I could feel this way towards another human.
2. I learned how to harvest, process, and make jam with a lot of plums. Also learned how to can tomatoes. 
3. Something funny: When Julien and his cousin were feeding each other water and they were like two drunk babies. (The photo doesn't do it justice.)

This face. Must be one of my all-time favorite photos of Julien.

Loving him.

Harvested about 100lbs of these melt-in-your-mouth plums. So good.

Making of plum jam. Look at the color!

"Drink it."
"Gross, I'm not drinking whatever's in that orange cup."

OCTOBER

1. As a new mother, I felt really good about going on my first trip away from Julien. OMG, it was so awesome!
2. I learned that I’m really allergic to something inside an all-natural salve I used. Oh my gosh. My face blew up again!
3. Something funny: When a book becomes real.

Reunited after my trip.

You're welcome.

NOVEMBER

1. As a new mother, I felt really good about unfollowing a bunch of people on Instagram who made their version of life (motherhood, their home, their body, their lifestyle, whatever) look “perfect.” I felt really good about unfollowing people who portrayed a overwhelming perception of perfection.
2. I learned how to make pho in the instant pot and basically #cantstopwontstop.
3. Something funny: Leg wrestling with the family after Thanksgiving. And when Julien got stuck between the wall and couch.
4. Noteworthy: Spontaneous date in LA to watch the musical Hamilton. It was absolutely extraordinary!

Too good.

I can't not see that guy in the photo. We are really good at selfies.

DECEMBER

1. As a new mother, I felt really good about how an educator observed Julien’s secure attachment to me. I think it was especially powerful to hear that because I was grieving how disconnected I felt in the early part of his life and concerned about what kind of impact it would have on him.
2. I learned to let go of cleanliness and be more accepting of "good enough/clean enough."
3. Something funny: Julien and I went cross country skiing with a friend and her almost 3yo son. (The boys were in a trailer being hauled behind me for the ski back to the car.) We stopped because one of the kids was crying, and when she opened up the trailer, Julien had stolen her son’s cracker and was eating it like it was no big deal, as the 3yo shed sorrowful tears.
4. Noteworthy: Julien turned one on 12/3/17. We threw a Korean-style birthday party for him in both LA and back home in Missoula which included a doljabi. He chose a whisk in LA, and a hammer in Missoula. I'm thinking he might become a maker of sorts, based on his selections. I can only hope...his father and I both lack in those areas. (Ha! Who the heck knows what he'll become. I just hope he lives a life of integrity, works hard/loves hard, and has a great sense of humor.)

One!

2017, you go down in the books as one of the hardest years of my life, but also a year that brought me immense joy. I learned I am stronger than I knew. I learned to care less about what others think. I learned I have a lot of control (over me, and only me). I relearned to let go of all should's/ought to's/obligation. I learned how important family and friends are. Oh, and I'm learning that raising a child will be 100% confounding until the day he or I perish. It will likely be the greatest (and most frustrating) gift for keeping me open and curious.

I'm sad to say goodbye to this past year because it will always hold so much pain, joy and growth, but the year is over now and I'm also curious about what's next. I'm hoping for a prolific year of creating in 2018.

2-month interview with mama Liz

1. So what's new? 
Oh, a baby. And cleavage. And only sleeping in 2 hour spurts. 

1.5 Ohh, cleavage huh?
You care about the cleavage? Really? I just birthed a baby! 

2. Okay, tell us allllllll about your baby. 
Well....we had a baby boy on December 3, 2016 at 9:17pm. He was brought into this world after a very painful induced labor and ultimately via an unplanned cesarean. He was 6lbs 5oz and 20" at birth and had a very funny shaped head because he was stuck in my birth canal. 

3. Does this baby boy have a name? 
Well husband often calls him "baby boy," but he is also known as Julien. Julien Gangsan Mandell. Gangsan (강산) means rivers and mountains in Korean and we loved it right away when my mom presented it as an option. Julien is a derivative of Julius and doesn't hold much inherent meaning. We just knew we wanted a name that started with a J (if we were having a boy) and we liked that Julien was easy to say for the Koreans on my side of the family. We also wanted to represent baby boy's French roots, so we wanted to give him the French spelling with an "e" and not an "a." I'm biased, but I think it's a beautiful name!

4. Say, why'd you skip the 1-month interview? Too busy for the internet these days?
Ha! Some (meaning the husband) might argue I'm on the internet way more than before because what else does one do in the dark in the middle of the night while a tiny human being sucks on your nipple? Internet. (I'm using it in the verb form, btw. #interneting ftw!)

5. Gee, you seem more sarcastic now that you have a baby. Is this true? 
I'm feeling especially spicy right now not necessarily because I have a newborn, but because I detest trump and want to see him suffer. I want to lock him in a small room with no windows and a crying baby for 10 days and watch him shrivel up. So if you sense any sarcasm, its roots lie in my repulsion with our current president.

6. Trump aside (since he's evil and disgusting), how have you survived the last two months?
Minute-by-minute, I have no idea. But on the whole, I've survived because of community. My mama was here for the first seven weeks to cook, clean, and take care of me and Julien while I recovered. My sister Helen came during a pivotal time to help with my transition. She installed blinds, cooked food, set up my house for baby's arrival, woke up in the middle of the night to take Julien, and more! My oldest sister sent me 16 lbs of breast milk overnight when we thought my milk supply wouldn't come in, and then later flew out with her family to visit and showed me her "walk" to get baby to chill out. Hahah! My sister-in-law came and cooked us meals, held Julien when he was crying, and took my mom grocery shopping. We've had local friends bringing us meals. And I've been supported by girlfriends via text/email/social media. I'm so grateful for technology! Ironically, I have felt less alone because of it. 

7. I've heard the first three months is really like the fourth trimester. Would you rather have baby inside you or outside if our bodies could handle it? 
Odd but intriguing question. Where do you come up with this stuff? I'd rather have baby inside. 

8. I also heard you're obsessed with something right now. What is it?
Freezing and storing breast milk. Every bag I can store away makes my eyes glisten with hope. Each bag represents a tiny bit more freedom! I duno, it's just fun too to see my little stash grow. I feel proud of each bag.

9. So going back to having a baby boy, were you surprised by his sex? 
Honestly, not really. I had a feeling we were going to have a boy so his sex wasn't surprising. I was probably more surprised that the belly bump that was growing actually did house a baby - not an alien - and that the baby looked like a miniature version of my husband! (Although, he looks a tiny bit like me here...no?)

10. We all know your pregnancy was rough because you shared a lot about it, but is there anything you miss about being pregnant?
This is kind of a sad question. As miserable as I was being pregnant, I can now look back and appreciate it as a special time where literally my body was throwing the greatest magic show EVER. It made a whole new organ that would be the lifeline to a whole new human being. My body made something incredible (like you and me, and every human life out there) out of the miraculous meeting of one sperm and one egg in the most miraculous timing. It was really quite difficult to have this perspective while I was pregnant, but now that I'm not, it's crystal clear how remarkable that time was.

11. Miraculous seems like a theme here.
It is. I have PCOS, so I didn't even think I would get pregnant for a very long time or ever. Then to survive a pregnancy I wanted over within the first couple months was a miracle. Then to survive a very complicated delivery was a miracle. And now, surviving each day seems like a miracle. With all these miracles all over the place, you'd think I'd be a little more joyful! Unfortunately, it's usually hard to see the joys of this little baby because sleep-deprivation is torture and I've been managing postpartum depression since Julien's birth. (It's getting better little by little though. I think seeing him smile every so often gives me a bit of hope.)

12. Well, that's kind of a downer. You really want to end on that note? 
Haha, yeah, I do.

13. C'mon, you barely mentioned anything about Julien. Why don't you tell us one thing about him that makes you smile. 
When I change him, I love seeing the multiple rolls on his thighs. They are GLORIOUS! I don't feel right about posting a pic of his thighs because the only one I have is x-rated, but this pic might make up for it because look at that face!