quote | ambition

When I was young, I longed to be a saint. What was I longing for? I think it was for certainty that my life had been, in the most profound sense, a ‘success’—that great and glorious success that is sanctity. We revere the saints, we imitate them, theirs is the true and lasting glory. Very clearly, this desire is, unconsciously, as worldly as that of the writer who wants to write a masterpiece or the politician who yearns to be prime minister or president. None of these ambitions has the least to do with what Jesus preached—that lowliness, that love for last place, that readiness to die and be forgotten…. To be concerned with oneself in any way, to watch one’s growth in ‘holiness’ or ‘prayer’, to be spiritually ambitious, all this Jesus earnestly sets his face against.

Sr. Wendy Beckett

planning our wedding: say no to pinterest

i'm serious. 

SAY NO TO DRUGS PINTEREST.

i was adamant about not using pinterest to plan our wedding because what pinterest is for women is like what porn is for men: addicting and reality-skewing. it's a serious addiction (much like any social media), but particularly unhealthy during an emotional wedding planning process.

the reason i have a strong point of view on this us because i have such a strong inclination for ocd behavior with tools like pinterest. it's the visual candy store no one could've imagined, but someone created and now we are like flies drawn to an electric fly trap. 

knowing this about my tendencies, i told myself i would not use it to plan the wedding and committed to it. (i also committed to not look at any wedding blogs.) if you are like me, i highly recommend staying away from pinning your way to some "dream" wedding. you will likely get carpel tunnel, blurry vision, a wedding budget explosion, and a disappointed spirit. 

in full disclosure, i did end up pinning a few times to capture some ideas mostly for the boutonniere, bouquet and make-up. i made a secret board with 30 pins, but it's public now so you can see what i drew some inspiration from.

by saying no to pinterest, 

• i noticed i would be most tempted to use it when i wanted to escape my current reality. i could taste it in my mouth....the deliciously distracting images, and i wanted it baaad. these were the times i was most grateful i committed to saying no to pinterest for the duration of my wedding planning.
• i could keep my eyes focused on making value-based decisions, not emotionally-based decisions. 

what do you need to say no to?

planning our wedding: why we said NO to a bridal party

as i've watched friends get married, i would make my secret list of people who i'd choose to be in my bridal party for when the time arrived. giiiiiiiiiiirl, i know i'm not alone on this...can i get an amen?

yet when it came down to it, i chose to toss that list out the window.

actually, i think the value behind a bridal party is beautiful. it recognizes the people closest to you who have stood beside you and your relationship, and who will hopefully continue to stand beside you in your marriage. these are the people who will help you live out your marriage - because marriage is work and painful at times. it's heart-moving to see all those people physically standing beside a bride and groom. 

but the decision to NOT having a bridal party was pretty simple. we asked ourselves: 

• Q: why does it feel so bad to have to have to rank our friends? 
• A: we don't want to rank our friends! they're all meaningful to us in different ways. 

• Q: is there a way we can involve our friends without putting such a large financial burden on them? 
• A: a resounding YES. so we said NO to having a formal bridal party. 

we believed we could still honor those people closest to us without having them incur the often large cost of being part of a bridal party. especially for women, being a bridesmaid can be painfully expensive. but because we love our friends, we're willing to spend the money. i have done so in the past without any regret. 

there was a period in my 20s when all of my close friends were getting married, and i was invited to be a part of many of those bridal parties. without a doubt, it was an incredible honor and, i was also making practically poverty wages working at non-profits and living in the bay area. i was genuinely unsure how it would all work out financially. for one wedding there is usually: a bridesmaid dress, sometimes matching shoes, hair & makeup, bachelorette party and all the associated costs, hosting a bridal shower, bridal shower gift, wedding gift, time away from work or family, flights or gas, etc. for some of my friends, i couldn't even afford to give them a wedding gift because i was financially tapped out after all the pre-wedding affairs.

that's why we decided to honor our friends by asking them to participate in other small and meaningful ways:

• give a toast at the rehearsal lunch: my sister helen, steph, zack, michael and matt all gave heartfelt toasts. the time they took to write and share their reflections meant a great deal to us. 
• speak at our wedding: we had five formal speakers and my sister annaha, who read a poem. it was an enormous gift to have our friends reflect on and write a five minute talk they would deliver in front of everyone - on topics we chose! this was no small task, and we were grateful for their honesty and vulnerability in sharing. 
• come be with us in the morning of our wedding: samuel asked a couple of guys to hang out with him as he got ready for the wedding, as did i. it was so lovely to have friends to simply be with us. 
• come to a ladies' weekend (aka bachelorette party): this was my way of having some time away with special women in my life, relaxing at the beach in santa cruz and eating delicious meals. i felt super aware of the costs associated with going away for a weekend, but also felt like it was important to do this. so samuel and i agreed to pay for the beach rental in santa cruz, which cost us $950. it was a lot, but it felt like a way i could say "thank you" for being a part of my life. plus, the ladies coordinated and cooked all of the meals and we ate extremely well. nom nom nom. 
• note: this was different for samuel. he didn't mind his boys throwing down cashmoney for him. haha. they went go cart racing, white water rafting, and ate a lot!
• be our ring-bearers: in a typical wedding scenario, i would've asked my nieces to be my flower girls. but we didn't think having flower girls was necessary and they were already part of the family processional. also, i didn't want to spend money on buying special dresses for them when they already have a lot of cute clothes. then it dawned on me....it would be really meaningful to me if they brought us our wedding rings! so my sister dressed them in cute clothes they already had, and told them the importance of their role. i thought it was a great win-win. and the best part...my precious nieces got to play a typically male role. i'm all for that!

• lastly, the way we thought about the bridal party was this: inviting someone to attend our wedding meant that we were inviting them to participate in our marriage, for life. all in all, it's like everyone was part of our bridal party. : )

so we stood up there alone...

...but together with everyone.

planning our wedding: everything is expensive, but these 5 things are FREE!

here are some ways i didn't just "save" money, i didn't spend any!

1. borrow your friend's jewelry. at my ladies weekend (aka: bachelorette party), i asked everyone to bring any/all of their gold earrings. i tried them all on and knew immediately which one i wanted to wear. the sweet thing was that the pair that jumped out to me belonged to my oldest childhood friend annette. it was particularly meaningful because we chose not to have a bridal party, but still wanted our close friends to know they were precious to us (upcoming blogpost on this topic). i stood as annette's maid-of-honor and hadn't planned on reciprocating that role for my wedding, but it was special to have a piece of her hanging on my ears! FREE (and priceless)!

2. do your own hair. i could've gotten something elegant and fancy done, but the occasion didn't really call for it. because our whole wedding was more low key, i didn't have any problem curling my own hair. (side note: i felt more confident doing my own hair than my makeup so i paid someone for that. you can see how much i paid here for my lack of makeup skills. *gulp*) the morning of my wedding, my friend steph drove to michael's and found the flower i wore in my hair for under $5. she and mary helped me clip it in and voila! hair done! i think steph said not to worry about the cost, so if i'm remembering correctly, i guess it was FREE! ;-P 

3. look around your house. you may be surprised by what you find tucked away in your cupboards and closets. we ended up using the following that we had on hand: large canvas, clothes pins, straws, card stock, floral tape, pillows, markers, compostable utensils, some nice dinner size napkins, and a shell alice (sister-in-law) found last summer in france to hold our rings. 

most of us tend to be accumulators. we own a lot of stuff "just in case." well, time to dig into your "just in case" stock pile and use them up. you've already paid for these items so it's not a new expense. FREE! 

4. borrow everything you can think of. instead of creating more waste or purchasing things you won't use again, ask around. if you want to have those cute glass water dispensers with lemons in it (i did!), i'm sure someone in your community has one. ask around. people want to support you! or maybe you have a friend who has a really cute sense of style and would be willing to loan you a few decorative things here and there, ask! call on your community for support. FREE! 

on a related note: one thing that samuel and i were clear on was that we would much rather spend money on a small gift (we chose a pair of movie tickets) or a meal with someone who helped us, rather than spend that money on buying one-time goods for the wedding. connecting with people outweighed having the "perfect" __fill in the blank__.

5. if you can't find it for free, forget about it. sometimes it's easy to get married to an idea you simply "can't do without." well, you can. if it costs something or requires too much work, it may not be worth it. try to simplify your process by cutting things out. it's likely that very few people, if any, will even remember...and you probably won't either. make your wedding planning process as easy as possible. it's such an emotional time, so reduce any additional stress. FREE and FREEING!

most of all, it was vital for samuel and i to keep coming back to two things:

• as special as our wedding day would be, it is just one day. it's one event. what is far exceedingly more important is that we spent time preparing for our lifelong marriage, not just an event. 
• my friend heather reminded me that "your wedding is a celebration of you, not a reflection on you." remember that you're creating a space to connect and celebrate with dearly beloved guests who love you! they are not there to judge you, they're there to love on you!

planning our wedding: forget the reception!

no, we didn't forego the reception, i just refused to call it that! it's a celebration in my book! it was so much fun to think about how to create a space to connect with our guests after we were proclaimed husband & wife. 

the values guiding our celebration planning:

• simplicity
• comfort
• really tasty, filling food and generous portions
• ease & flow
• connection

when we considered what we wanted our celebration to look like, we wanted first and foremost for people to be well-fed and relaxed. since we had an interesting set of constraints (i.e. no kitchen or power since we were at a remote park), we were given an opportunity to think creatively. one thing that did emerge in this process was that neither of us were married to having dancing at the wedding. this is an example of questioning an assumption and realizing that dancing wasn't necessary or important to us. it simplified the whole event! we would rather have time and space to talk to our guests, unhurried by an exhaustive program. the only thing driving us was trying to get around to everyone!

anyway, we imagined how awesome it would be to have picnic style set-up so people could enjoy good food and then lounge around. or if they wanted, our guests could play games and watch their kids (or adults) run around a giant green field. with that vision in mind we created this:

eat till you drop: originally, i wanted to have five different food trucks of all varieties so that people could eat whatever they wanted, but when i started looking at cost, it was prohibitive. so we decided on one food truck by koja kitchen & a custom crepe making station by crêperie saint-germain. because samuel is ethnically french and jewish and i'm korean, it was really fun to have our food represent both of our backgrounds. the best part? our guests could have as much as they wanted. unlimited, hot food! AWESOME. in addition to the main course, for appetizers, we had a huge platter of fruit (thanks to our friends lisa & michael ng who gifted this to us), nuts (thanks to costco) and a variety of dduk: korean rice cakes (thanks to my mom). apparently, it was more than enough food. phew!

only one interruption. sometimes at weddings, you might be having a great conversation with someone you haven't seen in a while, but every 10-15 minutes, your attention will get called to the front. nothing wrong with that; sometimes you want the interruption! but we cut out all the toasts, first dance, groom dance with mom, bride dance with father, game 1, game 2, bouquet toss... honestly, we just didn't connect with most of the wedding traditions out there. instead, we decided to have one item on the program: the cake cutting. after appetizers and lunch, we had everyone gather one last time together. 

the cake: a work of art. i can't even describe to you the intricacies of cake that our dear friend chris marcell murchison made for us. it was his wedding gift to us, and it was an intensive multi-day labor of deep love. the bespoke cake was a hazelnut genoise with a berry (strawberries, blackberries and raspberries) and cream filling, and a white chocolate buttercream icing. and when i saw it, i couldn't believe it. to decorate it, chris and his partner daniel meticulously placed every leaf & flower to perfection surrounding the delightful cake toppers that our dear sheri jarvis made and shipped to us all the way from montana! all of it, was an exquisite piece of artwork and i felt overwhelmed by this expression of love. we had chris come up and describe the cake to everyone before we all dug into it.

kid-friendly games. not only do i have four adorable nieces under the age of six, we have a lot of friends who have small children, so we wanted them to feel free to bring their kids (and not have to find a sitter), so all of them could enjoy the celebration. my dear friend josh brought his homemade giant bubble makers, which entertained the kids like no other. we also had a little station where kids could go on a scavenger hunt, hula hoop, play with play-doh and silly putty, or draw.

adult-friendly activities.

• remember my "soon-to-be disposable centerpieces?" well, i got $1 tin cans from target's $1 section and filled it with candy, paper, and some markers. i asked our friends to help us with a little project by drawing something they saw during the wedding. the intention was to send those cards to our guests as thank you's, but i'm still deciding what to do with them. (*clearing throat* to those who attended our wedding, thank you's are on their way!)

• bingo: as a way for people to connect with others, i created a bingo game where you had to find out who fit the description in the box. if you got bingo, you'd get a little reward: $5! i had so much fun designing this activity, and who doesn't like getting money?

• adult toy box: don't be dirty minded. this toy box had frisbees, dodgeballs, board games, etc that people could play with. the best part? we asked a few of our friends to bring stuff to fill the box, then take it home when they were leaving. 

• picnic blankets and pillows: one of the most memorable moments from my wedding was when samuel and i pulled up to the picnic area after we went off to take some photos by the lake. when we pulled up, i saw my friend's husband laying on one of the blankets, resting his head on a pillow. he lifted his head and gave us a nod and i remember thinking, "that is exactly what i wanted people to do! awesome!" it gave me a good laugh. 
• note: i bought used flat sheets at a thrift store and washed them, and the pillows were mostly borrowed from my friend emily. i asked her to take them home with her after the celebration, and she graciously did!

when all was over, we took off and our friends and family stuck around to help clean up. but the celebration didn't stop there! since our wedding went from 11:30 to 4pm-ish, we hosted a final family dinner that evening. we had so much fun spending relaxed time with our extended family at cafe pro bono. the service was impeccable and the food, delectable.

our only change would be that we could've had more time to connect with everyone. the day went by far too fast. (oh! and i never got a chance to eat a crepe. major bummer because everyone raved about them.) otherwise, we loved our celebration! 

up next: our itemized budget!

planning our wedding: intro

it's been almost six months since samuel and i became husband and wife, and i've been wanting to share our wedding planning process, since i think it's kind of bad ass that we planned a wedding we loved in approximately six weeks. we felt we were able to create an experience that honored our friends & family without spending an obscene amount money. in the following posts, i'll share with you our budget with exact figures, ceremony flow, regrets, and whatever else that's relevant. 

but before that, i wanted to share some tidbits of info:

our dating/engagement timeline
june 7, 2012 - started dating
july 14, 2013 - got engaged
july 29, 2013 - samuel booked our venue while i was backpacking in montana! 
august 14 - sept 1, 2013 - traveled to france and spain, so we decided no wedding planning until we got back. 
sept 1 - oct 10, 2013 - MAD wedding planning!
oct 12, 2013 - married to the love of my life

top three values for the wedding day
1. ceremony
2. food
3. people / fostering community

what i was certain i must have, before we started the actual planning: dippin dots (we didn't actually end up getting it.)

what i knew for certain i didn't want to do during the ceremony: someone preaching a sermon (but this was a point of compromise)

the value that kept coming up the most: simplicity & generosity

what i felt torn up about, but was glad i did: because i don't have the best relationship with my dad, i really didn't want him to be the one walking me down the aisle. but, i felt BAD! (there are so many cultural expectations you'll encounter!) i'm closer with my mom, but it didn't feel right to have just my mom walk me down the aisle since my dad would be there at the wedding. i finally decided to have both my parents walk me down the aisle, and felt even torn up about that. but when i look back, it was just a few moments long, and i'm glad that i chose to have both of them participate in giving me to samuel. i think it both honored my parents, and i was able to honor my desires. 

what everyone said that was absolutely true: "the day will go by SO fast!" omg. it sure did.

what i didn't think i wanted, but really did want: i didn't think i wanted to be in the white gown, and do that whole typical wedding shabangabang. but honestly, it was a wonderful feeling to put on a sexy white dress and have all our friends gathered around us to celebrate. there are very rarely these opportunities when friends from all your circles of life gather in one place. it's momentous and extremely special!

biggest conflict: name change. wow, this one wasn't resolved until the thursday before our wedding day!

two values that guided my decision on my dress: 
1) i want to be able to wear it again and 
2) i want to feel beautiful in it.
i haven't had a chance to wear the dress again yet...and i'm not sure i will. but after the wedding, i didn't realize how strong my desire would be to hold on to it so that maybe my child might want to wear it one day. it's only been 6 months, so this desire could change. 

how much i spent on my dress: $150 from nordstrom.com + $28 alterations
*funny side story: when i took my dress to get altered (length and shortening the deep V up front), the seamstress pinched up the V barely a millimeter, and i looked at her and said, "a little higher please." she responded with, "you're young! you want to feel sexy!!" i laughed and said, "this dress is already sexy!" so she pinched it about a millimeter higher. haha, good enough! 

what we spent the most money on: $4,886 on food

what i said we were going to spend before we started planning: $5K

what i said we were going to spend after we started planning: $10K

what we agreed was our budget goal: $12K

what we actually spent: $17,676 (give or take a few bucks)

why we don't regret the $5K+ discrepancy: because we ended up spending a total of $5,135 on thank you follow-ups (tips, lunches, gifts for speakers, etc) and family care (hosting our families the days prior to the wedding). we wanted to make sure everyone knew we were super grateful for their help! that weekend, we got feedback from our family & friends that they felt well taken care of during the wedding festivities. that made us feel warm & fuzzy inside.

added on 4/9/14 best advice i received: "honey, all you need to do is show up and get married." spoken by a friend's grandmother, when she was in the midst of wedding planning.

added on 4/10/14 number of times i cried really hard during the planning: at least 4 that i can remember!

picture courtesy of oh happy dawn photography.