Saturday, April 12, 2014

month 6: learning to undo 31 years

i guess it was inevitable.
our biggest conflict to date happened this month.


it hurts to fight with you, lovey.

but it hurts more to close my heart towards you. 

there i was: feeling annoyed and self-protective, withholding an open heart.

why? because i felt hurt by a flippant, insensitive remark you made during a particularly vulnerable time. you already know this because i told you during our two-day conflict resolution process. i just wouldn't let it go. i tried, but my ego refused. i could literally hear you telling me that you were hurting, but i refused to hear it with my heart.

it only took me saying a "flippant, insensitive remark...during a particularly vulnerable time" for me to get it. what a humbling moment. ugh. this is my humanity in full force. 31 years of living a life that's about MEmeMeMEmeMe! and now, i get the opportunity to unlearn that M.O. each day i'm with you. lucky me.  

no really, lucky me...

i get to practice with you. you gracious, generous, and kind man. my beloved husband. always receiving me with open arms. like this time. : ) 

tonight, i'm remembering our vows and what i said to you six months ago:

"in our marriage, i commit to love and accept you exactly as you are, as you've shown me. ... but most of all, i commit to being fully myself with you. to be honest, vulnerable, and open with you always."

i'd like to try it again & again & again. to be honest, vulnerable and open. i've heard "practice makes permanent." i'll keep practicing. hehe. 

in other news...i want to remember a few things about month six:
this month was the first time we've been apart for six days! you got to live bachelor life and cook delicious meals, eat two dozen cookies, and sit around in your underwear with no one to have to share your cashew nut butter cookies with. i LOVED that you had space to create, and i really hope i can help foster that spirit in you (excluding the cookie monster spirit). 

we also took our inaugural bike ride of 2014! 26 miles of pure montana glory! monster hills and all. it was beautiful to imagine what this spring would hold with you along the pacific coast. i'm both scared and thrilled to adventure with you!

look! you're working on your comics. humor requires a lot of seriousness. 

stop it. too cute.
your favorite new animal. can't believe bison took the ranks above ralph, ralph, ralph, ralph, and ralph.  
lookin handsome. rar.

what a life huh? *le sigh*

loving you a little more each day,
your korean [in russian please] kaka bird


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