one of the biggest commitments a girl can make (next to marriage).

before i started the pacific coast bike tour, i considered committing to never complaining about my body again after we completed the journey. (the operative word here is considered.) well that idea flew out of my head, instead being occupied with finding lunch, eating snacks, avoiding glass, camping, and oh yeah...cycling. it was like my conscious mind avoided this idea because i wasn't sure i had the determination to make such a huge commitment. thankfully it wasn't lost, just undercover germinating.

about halfway through the tour, i hesitantly tried the commitment on for size. i said to myself, "i commit to never complaining about my body again." i remember i was cycling and had to say this over and over until i could feel some semblance of naturalness, yet i still felt discomfort in my body. i was grateful for the space to explore what it would feel like to make this commitment, and grateful to drop it. it was clear i wasn't fully ready.

it wasn't until the last few miles before hitting mexico, as i filled up with a soup of emotions, that it became crystal clear i deeply desired to make this commitment. so i did. it was simply a whisper of a commitment i hope would change my life, one choice at a time.

i couldn't see anymore how i could complain about an exquisite machine that carried me from one country to another on a bicycle and (i hope) will one day create, carry, and deliver a new life into this world. but it wasn't just that my body (and yours) can do absolutely amazing things...more than anything, it had become clear that i didn't want to spend anymore time and energy on trying to change my body, on nitpicking my flesh, on rejecting myself. it wasn't worth it. cool thing about this decision? momastery just wrote a piece about how our lives are our masterpieces, not our bodies. i love that she called out this truth because women (and men!) need to believe it SO badly.

anyway, to start my journey, i started by saying: i loved my body, it does really amazing things, it's beautiful and i was grateful for it. and now when i feel tempted to complain, i just say a quiet, "thank you" or "you're cute" and move on from fixating on nothing. 

i commit to never complaining about my body again.

planning our wedding: say no to pinterest

i'm serious. 

SAY NO TO DRUGS PINTEREST.

i was adamant about not using pinterest to plan our wedding because what pinterest is for women is like what porn is for men: addicting and reality-skewing. it's a serious addiction (much like any social media), but particularly unhealthy during an emotional wedding planning process.

the reason i have a strong point of view on this us because i have such a strong inclination for ocd behavior with tools like pinterest. it's the visual candy store no one could've imagined, but someone created and now we are like flies drawn to an electric fly trap. 

knowing this about my tendencies, i told myself i would not use it to plan the wedding and committed to it. (i also committed to not look at any wedding blogs.) if you are like me, i highly recommend staying away from pinning your way to some "dream" wedding. you will likely get carpel tunnel, blurry vision, a wedding budget explosion, and a disappointed spirit. 

in full disclosure, i did end up pinning a few times to capture some ideas mostly for the boutonniere, bouquet and make-up. i made a secret board with 30 pins, but it's public now so you can see what i drew some inspiration from.

by saying no to pinterest, 

• i noticed i would be most tempted to use it when i wanted to escape my current reality. i could taste it in my mouth....the deliciously distracting images, and i wanted it baaad. these were the times i was most grateful i committed to saying no to pinterest for the duration of my wedding planning.
• i could keep my eyes focused on making value-based decisions, not emotionally-based decisions. 

what do you need to say no to?

today is friday.

the next day is when everything changes.

since getting back from europe on september 1st, i have been thinking about this wedding day, almost non-stop. i'm exhausted from having my brain start at 65mph every morning and from being in a state of gogogo. it's been stressful and tiring, and i have certainly not been my best self. samuel will attest to this fact. (i've said, "i'm sorry for ______," about a thousand times to him.)

but. 

what brings me back to an even slightly better state of being is by letting my gratitude settle in. during these last couple weeks, i've been so moved by all of the care and love that our friends have poured out on us, on me. i am completely taken by everyone's generosity. i feel undeserving of so much abundance, and yet i feel i am supposed to just soak it in and receive. and to simply look in everyone's eyes and say, "thank you." 

what this process has shown me is that people really love me. they really love us. like....a lot of them, and like....a lot of love! they are our family, our church community, our friends: our dearly beloveds.

i can't wait for the gathering of all these beloveds, to bear witness to one of the most important decisions i'll make in my lifetime. i'd be lying if i didn't mention that as much as i'm elated to be married, i'm scared! it's such a huge decision! a tiny part of me wonders if i'm ready to do this. and then this huge part of me responds with, "trust me. this is going to be the best adventure you'll ever go on. let's fly!"

so i walk to the edge of the cliff, spread my arms, and take a deep breath before i jump...

30 going on 13.

in 13 days, i'll be wed. 
omygod. 

30 year old me, is getting married. the day i thought would've happened four years ago, has finally arrived. (let me just say that i am so grateful that reality doesn't follow the plans i mapped out during my immature 18th year of life. bo--ring!)

you might assume that i'd be really excited b/c the sun's shining, birds are chirping, and life is just dandy! i'm getting married, wheeeeee! right?

today, i barely woke up at 9:30 and mostly just felt bad. why? i couldn't figure it out for the first two hours of the morning when i laid in bed and finally murdered level 29 of candy crush. (it's taken probably over 40 tries to pass that level w/o any aid!)

but it started hitting me while i was on the phone with my oldest sister. i am really sad. as excited as i am to commit my life to my beloved, each day leads me closer to saying goodbye and closing this chapter of my single life. it's been an amazing 30 years of being my free bird self. but i think what's been striking me most is saying goodbye to viewing my family of origin as #1. they have been my family. they have been my priority. but with marriage, it's creating a new family. one where i choose my husband to be #1.

i know that getting married doesn't mean i am abandoning my family of origin or vice versa, but there is a real internal shift that's happening. i feel it. it seems good and natural for this to happen, but inherent in this shift is grief. 

amidst all this, this quote is really speaking to me today. it's comforting.

"deep commitment brings deep healing, and deep healing brings deep generosity. commitment allows us to take the lids off the jars that are our lives, and helps us to embrace drastic changes." 
-marjory bankson

i hope to get to a place of deep generosity, over and over. 

2013 intentions.

i have two intentions this year:
1. commitment
2. get shit done

the first one struck me between the eyes during the trip to peru. i was sitting on a mid-sized window sill, wrapped up in my sleeping bag, jotting down some thoughts that had woken me up early that morning. i was wondering about what it might look like to sink into commitment. i felt my body tense up a bit at that consideration.

i am a free bird. i don't like the feeling of perceiving that i am trapped. what if i can't just go do whatever i want whenever i want to? what if i'm obligated to something or someone, and i can't go do that really-fun-activity-that-just-came-up because i'm committed to something else? that would suck! ...i think. 

more than anything, it scares me because i still perceive commitment as a limitation. but what if it's actually a catalyst to bring more freedom?

why hello there, commitment.

the next obvious intention was "get shit done." i LOVE this intention. it forces me to let go of perfectionism. this intention encourages me to show up and just do it - whatever it is. it's releases me from perfectionism's paralyzing grip. what is "perfect" anyway? it's how we define it, right? sometimes i think i could use a little more of an accepting-things-as-is attitude, instead of always trying to improve/fix everything.

what are your intentions for 2013?